Chvrches

I'm often the last guy to get around to hopping on a bandwagon. It isn't like I'm Tim, or I'm too cool for cool school, I'm just not very interested in what people I don't know tend to suck off. 

If I'm going to put something into one or more of my holes, it's because I say so bro. I'm not tempted by pitchfork reviews, no matter how metrically scored. I'm not wooed by media acclaim, because I am inherently distrustful of the media, especially when it comes to music, which is something we should enjoy for our own reasons. So fuck yours and everyone else's reasons for loving or hating something as arbitrarily hit or miss as music. 

One specific band that I've managed to matrix style hype dodge is Chvrches. 

Sure it's hard to imagine something as culturally visible as I now realize Chvrches is being ignored, but I pulled it off for as long as I could. 

Now? I'm just another victim kid. 

My appreciation for female vocals is pretty well documented, and I'd like to think I'm now more of a broponent of the electro synth music makers than I was when we started SYFFAL, but my lust for this band is on a different level of skeeze bro. 

Chvrches sound like how seeing Jenny Lewis in The Wizard used to make me feel. There's that immature crush lust you can't really explain in words, just these little snippets of memories that can only be accurately described with video montages of brief slices of made for TV movies from my youth. 

Chvrches is pastel hypercolor and tight rolled stone warshed jeans and aquanet'd bangs and Debbie Gibson wrist and neck accessories. Chvrches is wearable shit with something you'd only describe as having "bangles" (no walk like an Egyptian). 

But I get this weird underlying feeling like Chvrches is "in with sin" or some shit. Like they saw The Lost Boys and they're into the ankle length trench coats bro. 

So with that, Chvrches is bloody slap bracelets with the cheerful decorative covering ripped off shimmering and tempting each of us to just slap ourselves in all their deadly glory. Chvrches is the horny older sister who hides her intoxication by soaking her tampons in vodka and slyly inserting a fifth of a fifth in her babymaker before school (vaginal lining be damned!). Chvrches is the equivalent of watching an animated Disney cartoon with your girlfriend's parents while getting a handjob under the blanket she was brought home from the hospital in.

It's seemingly innocent, until you yourself admit to having impure thoughts or motives.

There's nothing more beautiful than a woman who sings like she doesn't care that you know she's got a hot date with a steamy erotic novel and a half pint of Americone Dream later bro. 

Tom has this theory that the only two songs on this album worth a shit are the first two, but I fell in love with nearly every track (though I always skip the last song), even the one where the dude sings on "High Enough To Carry You Over". I mean, this album feels like the shiny electro version of the Naked & Famous and I'm all about that shit. "Make Them Gold" might be the most inspirationally sexy song I've heard all year, and if I wasn't currently dealing with overflowing emotional baggage caused by the loss of a friend I might not have caught how fucking awesome these lyrics are. I will admit to not paying much attention most of the time because I'm giving songs my own interpretation, but when someone sings that I should take the best parts of myself and make them gold? Well, she sure as shit ain't telling me to brag about my bing search history, she's telling me to continue trying to make other people happy while worshipping my wife and setting a good example for my kids. I needed that this week Chvrches, so thanks,. 

I think Chvrches is that awesomely appreciated link between tween squee electropop and holy shit every song feels like an awesome 80s movie starring the one the only Matthew Modine as he constantly wears a sweatband and grey sweatpants and accomplishes every thing he set out to accomplish. 

And guess what?

I'M NOT EVEN UPSET ABOUT ALL DAT SWEATBANDZ ON SWEATPANTZ LUV BECAUSE I'M TOO BUSY HOLDING MY HEADPHONES TO MY EARS ON WHILE I TOSS MY HEAD AROUND IN THESE PANTIES.