Contributors

Joel Frieders woke up three salmon streams by merely emitting a low frequency squelch out of his thyroid. We hope he continues with such impressive feats of science, because he for sure needs help in the tattoos of fruits in precarious situations category. Rob Campobasso for Athlete of the Month. If cream of tartar isn't actually creamy, then why the hell am I so meteor showered? Is it any wonder. IS IT ANY WONDAAAA!

Every morning I wake up and take a dull pencil to the dimple of my chin to ensure that it stays deep enough to utilize for everyday activities well into my old age. I call it shaping for the future. These activities include opening beer bottles, getting deep into those back massaging pressure points and storing Monopoly pieces. I also listen to music. I love music. Especially music that Employee hates.

Tif Impson is the SYFFAL photographer who HATES mallets. Don't ask why, but Fuck mallets bro. I mean, what the Fuck is a mallet anyway? Are they would-be hammers? Cartoon hammers but in real life? Are they meant to thwack, schblam or zapow? We should all really start thinking about this. Tif is a fucking forward thinking SYFFAL brotographer/mallet hater. 

#Fuckmallets

Brandon Backhaus has been asleep at the wheel for a decade. He just woke up smashed in a roadside ditch surrounded my empty Mike's Hard Lemonade bottles, and Ragga Jungle mixtapes. And after taking stock, has decided to hitchhike back to life, pausing only to belt out the occasional, "It's the Final Countdown", masturbate, and be mouth-raped by Cap't Crunch.

Growing up my entire family had huge boners for Billy Joel. I never understood it. (Mind you I was rocking out to Snap's "The Power" at the time so who was I to judge) Four sisters, a twin brother, and a Dad who ALL owned Billy Joel's "Greatest Hits". Some had it in the tape format, others had made the leap to the new and exciting world of cds...but they ALL had it. Crazy. Why have SIX copies of the same craptastic album under one roof? I could not be like them! At the tender age of twelve I realized I would need to follow my own Joel-less musical path. I had to. It was my destiny. I packed my bags and left. I would be the David Carradine of musical "Kung Fu". Wandering the earth, making sure wherever I went it would be a "Piano Man" Free zone. I've followed that mantra from then to today... and now I bring it to you.

Tim Baker is one half of the legendary Vaudville joke and song duo Chico and the other ethnic stereotype(convincingly played by Michael Douglas). Since leaving the Vaudville circuit Tim has had a slew of jobs including vending machine repair man, Walmart greeter at that Greater Deluth Walmart, and most recently handicam operator on According to Jim.

RETIRED AUGUST 2014 TO FOCUS ON FORD FOCUS &/OR PTO PRESIDENCY