Our Interview with Animal Years
We were interviewed for Cosmopolitan's "How to Please Your Man" segment.
Oh god. I HAAAAAATE interviews.
Ever since I FINALLY landed that one interview with that musician I had been begging for months (I will not bust him out, but I will tell you I hate him now) to let me interview him and it turned out horrible, I've hated musicians on a personal level. I understand you're your own marketing machine engine, whatever, but most of you musicians take yourselves waaaaay too seriously and you think people care.
Well, people don't care about you.
What people care about is supporting people who don't think they're all that and a bucket of porn. SYFFAL doesn't ask questions Rolling Stone asks because we don't fucking care. Rolling Stone has those questions if you want them. SYFFAL asks the things no one else will ask because no one else cares to actually say the things we're thinking about at the time of creating the interview.
My new formula for interviews is this: I don't care. Answer my horrible questions the right way and I'll run the interview. If I run the interview, it's probably because you're pretty cool.
Animal Years is a band I'm excited to hear more from (AND I JUST GOT THE ALBUM THIS MORNING BRO), so look for more word-jobs from me (those are blowjobs with words bro) if I love the album.
Our interview with Animal Years starts MEOW!
SYFFAL: So you guys are from Delaware, what was your first masturbatory experience involving an out of service elevator or Christian rock album? WAS IT PETRA? TELL ME IT WAS PETRA.
Animal Years: I can't believe I've been in the dark about Petra. I just read their entire Wikipedia page. Do you know how many of their albums went double Myrrh?!
SYFFAL: When did you guys discover banjos can totes get guys laid? Were you squeamish about the stubble on your shoulder blades or was that cool with you?
Animal Years: As my favorite comedian Patton Oswalt would Animal Years: these banjos "put a lotta backs on mattresses, a lotta backs on mattresses."
SYFFAL: Whistling: Andrew Bird is the fucking greatest whistler on the planet. Agree with me or I'll fucking cut you.
Animal Years: A nervous tic motion of the head to the left made me realize I wanted to be a professional whistler.
SYFFAL: Which animal year are ya'll named after? Dog years is too easy. I'm guessing northern reticulated ground squirrel. I HATE THOSE fuckers. ASSHOLE ASS fucking SQUIRRELS.
Animal Years: Sorry, that was a typo. We're actually called Animal Tears. We play emo music.
SYFFAL: What the Fuck happened to Ben Harper bro? I blame Laura Dern.
Animal Years: I get him and Lenny Kravitz confused so I really couldn't tell you. I kinda thought they were the same guy. Like a Garth Brooks/Chris Gaines thing, ya know?
SYFFAL: *GASP!* WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Quick aside: Who is a better bass player than Juan Nelson? Answer: fucking NO ONE BROHAMMERS
Animal Years: Pino Paladino is one of the most solid players I've ever watched. He's toured with John Mayer, The Who, and countless other bands.
SYFFAL: Stop. We're not caring bro. Your album dropped this past Tuesday, what is the bigger disappointment: 7 bandcamp sales or this motherfucking interview on a website notorious for calling bands assdicks and referencing each other by the clef of their chins and/or depth of their droopage?
Animal Years: Well, so far you haven't called us assdicks or made fun of our clef chins. 7 Bandcamp sales sucks, but I guess we're thankful nobody has a perceived assdick.
SYFFAL: Assdicks. You are given 7 hours to live, what laws do you break and where do you choose to die bros? I would stab a postal worker with a melting ice cream cone in a crowded shopping mall and then die at a farmer's market because Fuck YOUR NON ORGANIC BULLshit BRO.
Animal Years: Watch the last scene of the GG Allin documentary for a play by play. Actually, on second thought, don't watch it. It is one of the most disturbing things you'll ever see.
SYFFAL: That answer is horrible. Everyone knows about the poop bro. C'mon. How often does Animal Years get interviewed and not get asked about their music?
Animal Years: Only one other time when we were interviewed for Cosmopolitan's "How to Please Your Man" segment.
SYFFAL: SORRY TO INTERRUPT, NO ONE CARES.
I like your music. Please promote anything you'd like right here, but you must use the words catacombs, crust, catharsis, rigamarole, Pope John Balls the Dickond, and WINTER IS COMING.
Animal Years: Aww c'mon bro, can't you just let me plug our band already? I don't know what half of these words mean and I don't have my Websters handy.
Sun Will Rise - debut album out September 17th
www.animalyearsmusic.com
Facebook.com/animalyears
SYFFAL: DO WHAT HE SAID BRO!