Our Interview with Here We Go Magic

I have written extensively on my love for the band Here We Go Magic, so instead of rehashing the fellating I decided to steal a page from the Trekkie fan base and delve into some fan fiction. So without further adieux I give you Here We Go Magic in: Night School.

Lancaster County is known for three things; it's large Scandinavian population, having the world's largest steam organ and high grade bath salts, the drug not the sensual caplets of scented oil. Most of the people here could best be described as having average skin and below average education. This is probably because the high school is located near the town's sewage plant or as the kids call it "Make Out Mountain". It is where 8 out of every 10 children conceived in Lancaster county is conceived at "Make Out Mountain.

Due to the poor job the high school is doing with regards to turning out quality students the average income is somewhere between a party sized bag of Ruffles and a Skidoo snow mobile.

In 2010 all of this changed when a new teacher, Mr. Daniel Herewegomagic, came to town. Most of the town people were wary of Mr. Herewegomagic because of the elbow patches on his denim shirt, his centrist politics, his use of soap and the word whom, and his foreign sounding name. Mr. Herewegomagic didn't let Lancaster County's down home brand of xenophobia deter him, instead he decide to relish in it and use the mystery and fear to reach the children first. Everyone knows that children are much more open to new ideas like math than parents ever would be.

As expected the parents did not take kindly to his unique brand of book learnin’ and decided to call a town hall meeting to discuss the negative influence this obvious foreigner and possible demon was having on their children. Unfortunately for Mr. Herewegomagic it looked like the deck was stacked against him and he was certain to be tarred, feathered and run out of town, if it were not for what most now considered to be divine intervention.

See Lancaster county was one of the few hold outs when it came to electricity, not for any religious reason, they were just willfully ignorant of progress and had been so since the 1600s. In fact "I'm happy with the way things been" is the motto on their county flag and if not for this well time solar eclipse they would have remained in the dark for centuries to come. Luckily Mr. Herewegomagic was a former Boy Scout and thus was always prepared had a flashlight, or as the folks in Lancaster called it, a devil torch.

While it did help calm fears that the eclipse was god turning off the sun it did nothing to calm their fears of Mr. Herewegomagic being at least part witch, this unfortunate fear lead to Mr. Herewegomagic meeting a fate fitting of one who embraces the dark arts. The children were beside themselves and decided it was time to show their parents an encyclopedia to bring them up to speed. In the parents shame spiral they realized that they must change. The first step was opening a night school where adults can learn about anything from balancing a check book to extreme couponing.

In the years since Daniel Herewegomagic Night school/Adult Education Center/Denny's has become the jewel of the American continuing education system. Kudos to you Mr. Herewegomagic, for being an agent of change.

SYFFAL: I have done extensive research to find out more about your band and by that I asked my daughter who is 1 and she had no answers, so could you introduce everyone in the band by giving us their name, their instrument, where they sit in the van and rank them 1 through whatever on who has the most bitching sneakers.

Here We Go Magic (HWGM): Mike and Luke play guitar, Peter plays drums, Jen plays the bass, I play keyboards, we all sing, sit in the back and no one wears sneakers.

SYFFAL: I was raised by a family of evangelical preachers who warned me against the evils of magic and wouldn’t let me read Harry Potter books. Why do you feel the need to alienate us and set yourselves up on a collision course to hell by including magic in your name?

HWGM: Collision courses are for babies.

SYFFAL: Is there any truth to the rumor that I am just making up now that you guys are huge Lakers fans thus the name? And if not what do you have against Los Angeles?

HWGM: Does a donkey fart on the fence?

SYFFAL: When I was in high school I went to an Iron Maiden concert that turned into a right and caused the Meadowlands Arena (RIP) to stop serving alcohol at metal concerts. What is your wildest show moment and did it too stop you from serving minors?

HWGM: An obliterated 85 yr old woman came up on stage and bit Luke's penis off, fried it up and served it to a 13 yr old boy as a hot Italian sausage.

SYFFAL: I am head over heels in love with your band, what Go-Gos song would you use to describe your love affair with our site?

HWGM: I Wanna Sit On Your Face by Lords of Acid OR Glubrub by Dan Can't Get Off The Toilet.

SYFFAL: Not technically Go-Gos songs but I will let it slide. One of the things I appreciate about
HWGM is that no matter what I am doing when listening; it feels like the music is appropriate for said situation. How long have you been stalking me to learn my routine?

HWGM: Since that shitshow at Hardees.

SYFFAL: I have been listening to the new EP the January EP and it dawned on me that you guys are on the path to be the biggest band in the world. The music is just too perfect for it not to take a huge leap. If you could craft your career arc after any of the bands that have held this title which band would it be?

HWGM: The three tenors

SYFFAL: I understand that some of you have side projects, who are they, why should we check for them, and if I started a Here We Go Magic cover band called Beer We Go Magic that played only dive bars how many of you would join me on stage?

HWGM: I play in a band called TEEN with my sisters and best friends. Luke has a solo record coming out and Peter plays in a band called Haunted Hauses. And yes. I'd get on stage as long as I could spit beer in your face.

SYFFAL: I would insist that you do. One a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being albino Burt Reynolds and 10 being vitaligo Jackee, how awesome is our site?

HWGM: Somewhere around Dennis Kucinich.

SYFFAL: When is the last time you had a really good cry?

HWGM: When Luke shaved my eyebrows in my sleep.

SYFFAL: I have yet to read a piece on you guys that accurately describes your sound, they use the same old genres and put trendy names like electo or neo or whatever in front of said genres. I find it uncreative and offensive. I would like to give you the chance to set the record straight and create your definitive genre using only a mixed drink, a cast member of freaks and geeks, a foreign curse word that sounds cool and the term "core".

HWGM: Is that a Werner Herzog movie?

SYFFAL: Is that a glockenspiel?

HWGM: Hell fucking no.

SYFFAL: When we spoke on the phone you were trapped by a religious sect in the back roads of Iowa, I am assuming that since you are answering this you managed to escape and did not have to become the cult leaders’ child bride. How did you manage to break free and was living with the cult really that much different than the rest of Iowa?

HWGM: Didn't, still here.

SYFFAL: Tragic. When I come to your May 15th show at The Mercury Lounge will you buy me a drink? If so thanks I got next round, if not why are you being a teetotaler?

HWGM: You mean the 14th?

SYFFAL: The 14th? I guess that is why I missed it. Oh well, is there anything you would like to promote? Please do so using that ancient art of haiku.

HWGM: Haikus are not for me don't have anything to promote anyways.

SYFFAL: Way to diss Asian culture.