Our Interview With Well Hung Heart

Well Hung Heart made their way into my loins when Del sent me a video of them covering Creep from the Head of Radio. Ever since then I've been using them as sexual instigative tools to get the wifey to let me poke the poop chute. I'm sorry to report that I haven't hit the penetration point just yet, but a few more weeks years millenium of missing the correct hole and I'll have my sphincter -experience JUST YOU WAIT.

Well Hung Heart have captivated my holes of my ears of my body and I'm ready to share that addiction with the rests of the planeted.

WHH are as fucking cool as they are fucking talented, and I wager 7 pence that in the next year or so you'll all be thanking SYFFAL for telling you about them.

Sex tied to raw meat and flung into the air via a clay pigeon flinger, Well Hung Heart are the bees knee pads and they are all tattooed with tattoos of themselves tattooed on each others and stuff.

READ ON AS WE GET SEX (not sexy, but sex):

SYFFAL: Since I hate researching the bands I love, and more prefer them to spoon feed me every tidbit of information about them, please tell us the names, instruments and batting averages of each member of WHH.

Greta: Essentially it is the two of us, myself Greta Valenti on vocals and Robin Davey on Guitar and simultaneous bass – a trait he has lovingly termed, a narcissistist. Live, we like to get dirty and indulge in a little ménage a trois action by employing the rather spiritually sounding Scott Miracle on drums. We think he is called that because he always comes twice – a.k.a the reser-erection.

SYFFAL: Why are you guys so fucking sexy? And by you I mean you, the female with the terts.

Greta: Terts? What the hell is a tert? It sounds like turd. Do you mean like a turd stabber?
Or are you one of those guys that likes scat. Cos homie don’t play dat.

SYFFAL: How often do you rehearse in the nude?

Greta: I think a better question would be, how often do we NOT rehearse in the nude. There is nothing better than being in a hot rehearsal room with everyone sticking to their instruments. Well Robin likes sticking it to his instrument, if you know what I mean…

SYFFAL: What do you appreciate more: that people dance and masturbate to your music, or that people masturbate to your dancing?

Greta: Well I don’t really dance. I may be “moved by the music” here and there, but no choreographed dance numbers here. I’m saving that for when I “sell out”. I can’t wait!! Did you know there is a name for people who are sexually aroused by music? It’s called Melolagnia. It’s a Paraphilia, so it’s in line with people that find inanimate objects sexy. I could possible be one of those people; a NEW fetish to add to the list.
Some people think I’m an inanimate object…until I cut them.

SYFFAL: What is your favorite flavor of edible undergarments? (please say piña colada)

Greta: The last time I wore the Pina Colada flavor was when I was on that third grade Sunday school trip to a Hawaiian BBQ. I wanted to be teacher’s pet but then realized my teacher was a 65 year old ex-nun. Actually, thinking back, she may have been into it. I did get an A in that class. Ahh memories.

SYFFAL: If you had no choice but to do the running man naked or watch jiggly men run naked, what would you choose? I said no choice, now watch me run and start dancing.

Greta: But surely neither of us benefit from that equation. You would soon be gone and I would be left on my own and we would no doubt feel that the whole exercise was a waste of time. Being naked on your own is rarely as fun as being naked with other people. We shouldn’t be running away from each other, having restraints is far more interesting.

SYFFAL: How did you guys meet? Please be as erotic as possible. You may also insert a link from literotica.com if you have already typed this out.

Greta: We met on YouTube when both of our old bands (yes YouTube is now old), were in YouTube’s first video competition. Neither one of us won the competition, but we had met each other, which made US the true winners. Okay none of that is true, we met through a Craig’s List WMMMMMMM ad. The ad was for Black and Blondes only, but Robin is Black from the waist down , IYKWIM…. Then we thought, HEY We Should Start a Band! And the rest is webcam history.

SYFFAL: Your tumblr site is all black and white. I actually prefer the majority of my pornography to be displayed in black and white. Have you been spying on me? If so, did I do it for ya? If no, good, I tend to do what I do when I'm doing it for my eyes only, and to be honest they tend to be pretty busy watching your videos.

Greta: Well yes black and white makes porn “Classy” and “Art”, so yes. Are you one of those people who sits on his own hand until it goes numb? Then jerks off so it feels like someone else is doing it? Oh hold on let me check the website security cam…yes. it appears you are…wait! what are you doing with those electrodes…and what is the chinchilla for?

SYFFAL: Where do you sell most of your used panties?

Greta: Gretasusedpanties.com, oh and robinsusedpanties.com too, and if that doesn’t do it for you there is also, gretaandrobinscomunallyusedpanties.com. And of course we sell mostly to Japan and to the Vatican. Our Japan sales have really tanked since the Tsunami (too soon?), but good news is the Royal Wedding just bought a pallet load for party favors. Did you know Robin is a rightful heir to the throne…that’s another story.

SYFFAL: I love your organically grown sense of musicality. It's refreshing to see a band be able to churn shit out on the reg without fretting over every fret and vocal run. Will you show us your terts?
No, him.

Robin: I have a pay site for that sort of thing. Oh wait! You are my only subscriber.

Greta: Is that all you have to say? Through this whole interview you’ve just been sitting there and now you make the most obvious joke, and we’ve already touched on the web porn. Try again. Try harder.

Robin: Do I do a guitar solo now?

SYFFAL: No Robin. I haven't sucked you off yet. Give me a minute.

But here I go: Your guitar player kills the solo on Bullshit. Would you ever admit that he's the talent and you're the sweet piece of ass candy? As a sweet piece of ass candy, what flavor are you? (please say piña colada or regular moist gash)

Greta: He rips off Jimi Hendrix on one solo and you’re already giving him all the credit. Uh you men are all alike. When will you realize that we women are the genius’ and we allow you to live. Plus, you must never admit that a guitar player has any talent, they need to be kept firmly in their place. Admitting they have some valid input into things is like giving control of the country to George Bush or Snooki; everything would become one huge ego-inflated bender. Think of me as the evil-dick behind the curtain.

SYFFAL: Regular moist gash was my nickname in college. What sensual nicknames have you guys created for each other? Do any of them contain the term 'shuffled nutella dong dipped in taint relish and drizzled with a drizzle of bum-leaked raisin jizzle'?

Greta: You are a scatman aren’t you, and not the Ski-Ba-Bop-Ba-Dop-Bop sense.

Robin: Do you know that poo is categorized into 7 different types - the healthiest being described as “Like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft” Not sure that would be best for a Cleveland steamer, but probably most pleasurable if you were partaking in a blumpkin.

SYFFAL: I did know that actually. I'm the most regular person you'll ever know. I take a daily probiotic and take two healthy poo before 6am daily.

Greta: Again Robin, You stay silent all this time and then out come out with extensive poo knowledge. What the Fuck? Who are you? ANYWAYS we don’t have nicknames yet b/c we haven’t been forced into long roadtrips together. You could give us some.

SYFFAL: How can I get the hidden spy camera in your bathroom to focus more on the things I want to see more of?

Robin: You have to pay the for the premium subscription on my pay site for that, oh wait, I see you just upgraded, ok off to the bathroom I guess.

Greta: AGAIN with the scat. I’m becoming concerned about you.

SYFFAL: What is next for Well Hung Heart? Please answer this question in another question.

Greta: Isn’t your dad a pharmacist? Is he single? Isn’t his nickname the compounder? (Hot!) Will he compound me? (IYKWIM) And tell him I like Ambien (non-control release) and Codeine in any form.

SYFFAL: You are the sinniest.
I've seen your breasts on the Internet. And I didn't get you anything. What would you prefer your fans send you pictures of?

Greta: We like those pictures of Benjamin Franklin – specifically the ones attached on $100 bills. In fact we will accept pictures of any presidents attached to dollar bills, except Andrew Jackson – that guy was an asshole. Of course Benjamin Franklin was not actually a president, but that doesn’t deter us, we will still take them. If you don’t have that, we are particularly fond of fat pets, little people, and boobies.

Robin: I like Boobies

SYFFAL: Robin, we're besties even before I aks the next question.

*ahems*

Is it true we're Internet besties? Prove it.

Robin: Just because you subscribe to my pay-sex site doesn’t mean we are besties. This is a professional relationship.

Greta: I can prove it because I want to marry your dad, and because I have seen your wife and children. Does anyone have first dibs on your children’s virginities yet? What about your wife’s? (She’s hot!)

SYFFAL: LINE CROSSED. As a parent of young children, it is against my daily thought process to imagine them as anything other than poop machines. And Fuck you for making me thinks abouts thats. YOU BITCH!

*composes self, kicks dirt, punches air, composes selfs*

When will WHH start touring the united states? Will you drive the van and bitch about not getting road head even tho it is almost technically impossible unless you remove the drivers seat? Will you remove the drivers seat?

Greta: Not that I’ve done it (ahem), but Road-head is easy. Back it up pimp-style! We hope to be touring as soon as possible, but want people to actually show up, so later my friend.

SYFFAL: Let's talk dildos. Who is your favorite politician?

Greta: George Bush is now my new favorite comedian, and Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert are my new favorite politicians. You can get Jesus on a cross dildo’s (google it), and he was basically a politician. So that is a combination designed specifically for your question, God does indeed work in mysterious ways.

SYFFAL: Does it anger your guitar player that while he solos you solo in front of him by just standing there and dripping the sexy?

Greta: He is in a co-dependent relationship with his guitar solos, he gets jealous of them, they get jealous of him. It’s all very messy, I don’t think he has time to think about much else in life. Plus that’s not sexy I’m dripping…

SYFFAL: What will you say to the critics that might criticize you for using your sexuality to get ahead? Will you send us nudie shots so that we can stand behind you as a support stiff, I mean staff.

Greta: I’m not exactly sure how to “use sexuality to get ahead”. I don’t have a sugar daddy (unless I get yours), and I’m not famous so I don’t think I’ve gotten ahead at all.
As far as my nudity is concerned, I just have bigger balls than any other musician out there, and I’m not afraid of sex or nudity like most people in America. We are seriously a handicapped nation in that respect. …WAIT this is the last question? And I got all serious for a second. What the Fuck?
Okay Robin and I will send you nudie pics. And I’ll stop sending the gay porn (even though I like it).

Robin: I like boobies.

SYFFAL: As do I my friend... As do I.