Caribou

Caribou's new album has put me in almost a dozen precarious situations so far. Like getting caught masturbating by the neighbor girl you've been sucking in your gut around since junior high, or getting peeped smelling scented lotions at Bath and Body Works by a group of your more masculine friends, or being seen tearing up while watching American Idol auditions, fucking Caribou dropped one of those "I'VE LOST ALL THE INHIBITIONS" albums.

Who cares if you're in traffic, or at work, or standing among two dozen parents all watching their children kick a red pleather glove while staying "KEEYAA!", sometimes you just wish you would've not reacted how your body wanted you to subconsciously. Why couldn't I have NOT played that imaginary synth with both hands, fingers curved tightly down like a coked up Mister Burns with a look of sheer constipation on my face? Why did I have to put both of my hands up in the air with my eyes closed and allow myself to audibly purr? Why did I do a horrible double loosey goosey robot shimmy while waiting to order a burrito?

See, all of these things are examples of having absolutely no control over oneself. Caribou somehow crafted an album that has me slow motion head nodding, arm waving, shoulder shaking and biting my bottom lip like a fucking fiend. I look fucking possessed when I'm listening to Our Love. In fact, my wife caught me pointing at the car speakers, from right to left and then back to both speakers on the track "Can't Do Without You", as the synth panned, with a look like I had just seen a giraffe give birth. I looked both intensely fascinated and slightly catatonic with what I've been told looks like I'm on all the drugs.

Our Love has this weird feeling running throughout it, like Caribou completed the album and saw that it was the perfects, and then went back armed with only a tone knob and a box of condiments. And what was born of that combronation bros? fucking Our Love was born out of that shit bro. It's constantly becoming foggier and foggier, and then it's suddenly crispy mccrisp until it peters out and heads back over to the cloudy and hollow territory, and then AAAHH! the sun comes back out and I can all of a sudden feel every hihat through my teeth the shit's so fucking sharp.

There are moments where it sounds like a creepy naked circus being held inside the Halloween world of The Nightmare Before Christmas, and then gradually but yet somehow without warning, you're back to reality, but it's a luxurious and futuristic, still naked, Tron-land reality and life is just neon and black bro. And it's fucking awesome.

I haven't speaker humped in over a fucking decade and I humped my ailing side by side GE refrigerator during the third or fourth run through of title track Our Love, AND THEN IT HIT ME, I WISHED I WAS A DJ BECAUSE THERE IS SO MUCH shit YOU COULD DO WITH THIS ALBUM. You could chop and smear this fucking album inside this fucking album and have new jams for fucking months bros. Seriously, take the naked drums from Our Love and throw em under just the vocals on "Second Chance" = NEW JAM BRO.

Yet there is one song that is by far the most perfect Caribou song I have ever heard. My new go to track for all things Caribous-likes. That song you whip out when you only have nine minutes in the car or with your headphones on and you need a soundtrack to make it worthwhile. The song you've associated with a feeling of Fuck yesssssss with seven fucking s's bro. That arms out open wide, doing the Michael Jackson "LIKE THE RIVA JORDAAAHN" in a grassy field shit bro. That feeling you felt where you felt like this was actually Boards of Canada back when you first became obsessed with them, instead of Caribou, and then you smiled from the inside because it sounded so comfortably intoxicated you could convince a homie you were a pillow in an electronic music game of charades bro.

"SILVER" BRO. THE SONG IS CALLED "SILVER".

MY FAVORITE SONG OF 2014 IS CALLED "SILVER".

At the 3:30 mark I die.

AT THE 3:30 MARK I DIE.

AND THEN AGAIN AT 3:55. OH GOD AGAIN AT 3:55.

I WANT THIS TO FEEL LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME.

DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THAT?

OH GOD IN SEVENTH HEAVEN ON THE WB STARRING A ONE JAMES VAN DER BEEK WHY DOES THIS FEEL FEEL SO MUCH FEELINGS...

I haven't felt a song this fucking dizzyingly cuddly since I can't refuckingmember, and if you needed just ONE reason to buy the ever loving shit out of this album, it's "Silver".

And trust me when I say I can't even minimize the amazingness of the rest of the album by sucking off one song harder than the rest of the songs, the fact that I wave a silk handkerchief over my head in anticipation of feeling the feel of "Silver" is just more of a testament to how girthy Our Love is.

Our Love is an attentive lover bro.

Over three thirds of this fucking album is goddamn perfect, about half is fascinatingly hypnotizing in a "what is Caribou really making me do unknowingly?" sort of way, and the other seventh fourth is exactly why I knew I should've gotten out of bed today.

Seriously this album is LCD Soundsystem meets Boards of Canada meets opium den, and it's fucking amazing.