Our Interview with Allyson Baker of Dirty Ghosts

People of the internet, what you're about to read is totally fucking awesome. This is an interview with Allyson Baker of Dirty Ghosts. I love this band so fucking much I have already vowed to tattoo their name on 33% of my children.

This needs no introduction, but out of a respect for the entire process, I've left my email to her intact as it was written.

Ready?

Allyson, I'm not going to lie to you. I refuse to read that other interview Tim did with you based solely on the fact that before us, there was nothing. We now exist in a strange space and time where existence wasn't existence and space wasn't space because, to tell you the truth, life was the first 45 minutes of Flash Dance before we met. It was all greasy burgers, dirty leggings and clogged shower drains.

You and I, we are going to walk hand in hand into that convenience store and pick you out something pretty. You deserve it. Hell, I deserve it. Making you happy is the only goal in my mind right now, after picking up some more kale at the grocery store on the way home, and maybe some yellow beets, and maybe a bag of Pirate's Booty (shit's fire), and then getting my kids and then getting them home and feeding them, bathing them and putting them to bed and kissing them each on their widdle foreheads, and then sexin' the actual shit out of wifepiece. You are extremely high on my list, and for your sake, I'd rather not tell you which list you're on because, well, sometimes people get pretty weirded out when a guy mentions masturbation in the first few sentences of an email.

So I'll just start the interview then, if that's okay with you... I just have to activate the interview. I basically hold my hands in front of me, concentrate my Reiki energy on your aura, and then say:

DIRTY GHOSTS INTERVIEW GO:

SYFFAL: Here we are. In interview-land. In interview-land, nothing is off limits, except how you pronounce the word chamois. Since I'm a fucking rebel ass motherfucking rule breaker, how DO YOU pronounce the word chamois? Please to spell phonetically.

Allyson Baker: Well.. I'm gonna lean on my Canadian upbringing for this answer, as all Canadians are required to learn French in school. This word looks to me like a French word or at least a word with some sort of French sounding pronunciation. I have no idea what it means but something about the word makes me think of a sweater, not sure why. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's pronounced "sham-wah".

SYFFAL: No. At least I don't pronounce it that way. A Chamois is an animal hide dried and treated to aide in drying a motor vehicle safely and without lint, and my American pronunciation is "SHAMMY". I picture you as the type of gal who suffers from dry hands in the winter. Not from any dietary sensitivity or skin condition, but because other people's blood makes the hands crispy. I should know, I watch Sons of Anarchy. Tell the fine folks how many pints of blood have spilled at the hands of your hands, and I gotta hand it to your hands, when soaked in the blood of the weak, they're just adorable.

Allyson Baker: Ya know, I'm not gonna lie, I'm a lady that likes to take care of herself. Avoiding viruses, rabies, bacterial infections and whatnot are all part of my daily regime. Spilling pints of blood anywhere on my own body isn't something that I would purposefully want to, nor try to do. However if you're talkin' blood of a first born lamb that's a totally different story!!!!!!!!!!!!

SYFFAL: SACRIFICIAL SACRIFICE HOOOOOOOOOO! The new album, is fucking perfect, I haven't felt so in lust with an album like yours in many many moons. How many moons would it take for you to ever consider saying something as dumb as many many moons aloud?

Allyson Baker: I don't know that I would ever say "many many moons". It seems like an odd thing to casually say to someone. I feel like it's a potential conversation ender!

SYFFAL: I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention. You speak like an English professor. Speaking of vegetarian restaurants, it's not that I'm against not being against being against eating meat, it's just that I feel really fucking good when I'm not digesting animals. Then again, I will fucking devour a fucking slab of ribs faster that you can say irritable bowels. What is it about tiny bones all in a row that makes the pig or the cow so delicious? Do you think that if ribs were in the shape of, say king diamonds or perpendicular parallelograms and were more difficult to eat that we, as carnivorous humans, would have less of an attraction to slapping huge slabs of ribs on grills across this great nation?

Allyson Baker: That's a good question. I think there's something about the ease of rib and drumstick eating that is appealing. When eating meat, it's always nice to have something to grab on to. Not always though, sometimes a fork and knife do come in handy. But we'll never really know the answer to this question will we? One can only guess.

SYFFAL: If we were to be shipmates on a boat headed out to sea for an undetermined amount of time, what annoying habit of yours, and of each of your bandmates, would you feel the need to warn me about? I would like to warn you that I am unable to shake peoples hands without looking deep into their soul. It used to be kind of cool knowing that people I was meeting had visions of their own death, but when you start meeting people you admire and you see that they like to shove stalked vegetables into various holes in and around their body, well, it makes you really question the awesome involved in having such a talent. It's almost like I'm Mel Gibson in that one movie where he can hear all the womenz and he isn't calling colored people Jews.

Allyson Baker: Oh god. Brutal question. It wouldn't really apply to the boat situation but I would say the biggest complaint would come from Erin McDermott (DG bass player) which is that when she's about to get into my car I don't have the keys in my hand with the door unlocked for her just as she steps up to the door. And then she has to stand there and wait while I fumble around for my keys and I can feel the tension beginning to grow rapidly. The worst is when I have to put my purse ON the hood of the car to start digging around and my heart starts racing because I feel like one more minute of this and she's going to end our 15 year friendship.
My only complaint for the sake of evening up the score is with Erin. God it's the worst. I HATE it when we're at the gym elevator together and she accidentally pushes the UP button instead of the DOWN button!!!!!!!! Can you believe her?????

SYFFAL: I'm going to tell you this once, and only once: You EVER make Erin wait more than five minutes, AND I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN and help you find your keys. I'm a pretty helpful guy. I'm also pretty self conscious. At least about how I look in these white patent leather bewts. Yes, bewts. On the inside, I'm just a shy child wearing a purple dickie and a Def Leppard slap bracelet. Will you listen to my band's recent single and give me your honest opinion of my guitar soloz? (dead serious)

Allyson Baker: That solo was excellent. Top notch soloing. Totally tasteful. To me a good solo is all about the peaks/valleys thing and moving through it from beginning to end but keeping it interesting. It starts off slow, it builds quickly, it's intense, then it breaks up a bit, then speeds back up etc... The sign of a great solo is when you're listening to a song and the solo revs up and the inside of your head starts going "YES!!....YES!!!!!!!.......UGH!!!! YEAAAAAHHHHH!!!". Meaning it's going exactly where you want it to go, it's reading your mind! 100,000 Years by Kiss probably contains my favorite solo and that's the reaction I have to this day every time I hear it.

To me your solo sounded "crafted" and I mean that in the best way. For me, it's rare that I can jam out a good solo on the fly. The solo in 19 in '71 is the few moments on the album where I just went for it and it very weirdly worked out, but that almost never happens. Most times I have to sit down and work it out.

SYFFAL: Hey internet? Allyson Baker of Dirty Ghosts just complimented my guitar playing. Fuck all of you. And regarding your solo in 19 in '71, that doesn't feel like a one take solo. I'm impressed. You're an amazingly tasteful guitar player, and I don't even have to put "for a broad" on the end of the sentence because you sound fucking awesome. A bunch of us out here in Chicago are starting a Kickstarter campaign to raise funds to create adult sized Sit N Spins. I've already named my prototype. If you were given the opportunity to ride it, would you ride Ryan Seacrest? My Sit N Spin. His name is Ryan Seacrest. I rode Ryan Seacrest this morning.

Allyson Baker: Yeah sure, why not? I like to have a good time.

SYFFAL: Seacrest will be the cutest S&S. To whom would you attribute Dirty Ghosts' massively stabby sense of angst? I'm going to go out on a limb and say the guy from the Dos Equis commercials, but this is your interview, please to enlighten me.

Allyson Baker: Do I seem angry? I think I'm a pretty happy person for the most part. I tend to roll out of bed in good mood 9 out of 10 times for whatever reason. It's kinda funny though because when it comes to music I tend to gravitate towards non-happy sounding music. Music that has a lot of major chords and is melodic for some reason doesn't appeal to me as much as more emotive music in minor keys. So I think in Dirty Ghosts, maybe with the exception of Ropes That Way (which I feel is our "happy song") I try to write what I like to listen to.

SYFFAL: I'm with you on preferring non-happy music, I'd say 90% of my listening habits are murky and introspective, but then again when Datarock comes on with Fa Fa Fa, well, I get fucking named yo. Which pants do you normally watch reality television in?

Allyson Baker: Usually my POTD, which are my pants of the day, are whatever pants I'm wearing that day. They are generally the same ones I'm wearing everyday. Just your run of the mill hipster approved tight black pants. When I'm feeling fat though I'll pop the top button open.

SYFFAL: Respect. Comfort is king yo. Fuck the hatas. Tejano music is extremely popular amongst the teen market these days, on a scale of piqtuito to mas y mas, how motherfucking awesome is SYFFAL.com and are you some sort of snob who separates the whites from le coloreds when doing the warsh?

Allyson Baker: SYFFAL is fucking awesome. I'm happy that you guys are around. I like your attitude and your sense of humor because I think it's so important not to take this whole music thing so seriously.
I do separate my laundry but that has nothing to do with being snobby. I just don't want to wind up with an all pink wardrobe. Seems reasonable doesn't it?

SYFFAL: Fuck that. The warsh is the warsh, just warsh the shit yo. What is your translation of Mama Say Mama Sah Mama Koo Sah and how fucking awesome is a little Ray Lamontagne with a glass of a delicious Riesling?

Allyson Baker: I can't even begin to translate what that means, but maybe it has something to do with wanting to be starting something? I'm not sure. Also I'm sorry to report but I'm not familiar with Ray Lamontagne and I'm not much of a winehead. Sorry! Disappointing answer!

SYFFAL: I look down my wine glass with the words "DIAMONDS ARE A GIRL'S BEFF" written in glitter paint at you. SYFFAL, as a mindset, has three goals:

1. Give the music we love blowjobs, with words, word blowjobs bro. Sloppy word beejs.
2. Call my friend Del a piece of fucking shit.
3. Prove that the musicians that make our favorite music are all extremely fucking awesome, down to earth and understand that no interview will ever rock this fucking hard.
4. Find more music. Repeat.

Who are three bands or artists that you want to suck off with words and if we knew who they were, we might want to text-fellate?

Allyson Baker: Fast Eddie Clark of Motorhead, Damon Edge of Chrome (RIP) and Brian Connelly of Shadowy Men on a Shadowy Planet.

SYFFAL: What's next for Dirty Ghosts besides haunting my dreams and my medicine cabinet?

DG's AB: The record comes out February 21st and on the 23rd we play the Noise Pop Festival in San Francisco then down California. March is SXSW and then in April we do a full tour of the US and Canada.

SYFFAL: fucking AWESOME. On the real, completely serious, you inspire the fucking shit out of me and I'm extremely excited to listen to you until I go deaf or get arrested. Whichever comes first. My four year old feels the same way. Thank you for agreeing to do this and I hope you had fun.
I did.

Allyson Baker: I'm wearing green insoles in my shoes.

SYFFAL: I know.