Interview with Intuition

If you live in Southern California, or Alaska, you have probably heard of the hairy armed rap star named Intuition, or Lee Shaner as his friends in sprite call him. If you haven't heard of him, it's probably because you're a fucking racist.

Yes, yes, take a long hard look at yourself in the cock mirror you fucking fascist. It's people like you that make this country a fucking shithole. I blame the Democrats, the Republicans and cock mirror looking racists like you.

*END RANT FOR NO REASON*

Intuition is one of those guys I met on the internet in the early ought's (that's the cool way of saying 2000's Reggie), and while his internet persona is chill, hairy armed and witty, I never gave the dude a chance as far as being a decent rapper. Why didn't I? Well, for starters, he's white. WHAT? HE IS! Second, his rap name is Intuition. I find that name just shy of sooooo totally awesome points to a rapper I just made up named Delicatessen. Third, have you seen this dude's forearms? It's like Harry and the Hendersons came all over his trackmarks, JESUS!

But seriously folks.

I did myself a disservice by ignoring this guy's music for so long. His pronunciation skills are on par with the dude's honesty, in that he never plays the role of baller, gangster or non-hairy armed human, but is perfectly content just being himself. He's a dude, who has a shitload of friends (Hi Nune!), lives a life of poverty and odor, travels all over the country to rap for anyone who will listen, and he does all of this shit with a fucking smile.

If I didn't know this fucking cooze, I'd neck punch him with my house key between my middle and ring fingers.

How dare you have more fun than me!

But, seriously, this is why I love listening to the dude, because he wants you to have as much fun as he did, while he's telling you the story of how much fun he did have. (read that again please)

Fuck Intuition.

Intuition Interview GO:

SYFFAL: We here at syffal.com are trying our hardest to include more rappers into the interview game but we're havings a hards time understanded thems. Its seems theys haves this secrets languages that is akin to the appeal of Akon. What is it about Akon that is just so damn appealing? Is it the teeth? Maroon gums? Pacemaker? Rum raisin? Salad sneeze guard?

Intuition: His infectious hooks and his willingness to give his wives female circumcisions.

SYFFAL: As a balding man who has taken to straight razoring my head every few days, and while the bitches love it, I'm going broke spending all this fucking money on fucking razors. If I let the razor get too old, like more than 2 full head shaves, I risk head zits. I hate head zits. They're itchy, unbecoming, and they impeded my ability to make women orgasm while humming the Tailspin themesong. What do you plan on doing about the floods in Austraila?

Intuition: You should get Kiehl's Ultimate Razor Bump Relief lotion. shit is the truth. I honestly won't do anything about Australia, but i'll say things like "if i had money i would sooooo donate."

SYFFAL: Sometimes when I'm taking a morning deuce, and my testicles end up touching the toilet water, I feel dirty on the inside. Almost how a rabbi must feel when he's handwriting the word kosher on his boxer chorts. Where do you draw the line as far as donating bodily fluids? Have you ever donated plasma, blood or semen? What about bone marrow? What's the black market like as far as, say, trying to get rid of a kidney I'm not using?

Intuition: i haven't donated anything. i'm greedy. but on my driver's license i have the "donor" sticker. hopefully, if i were to die in a car accident someone will get my eyes and they will start having my memories. lotta good spank bank for that guy that gets my eyes in the future.

SYFFAL: On the real, and completely without pants, you're a pretty talented rapper. You make everything look so easy. Your delivery is relaxed while not being sloppy. Your voice isn't annoying like most white people. You pull off the hipster lumberjack Popeye hooked on oxy extremely well. It's almost as if you were born to wolves who were deejays and spent the formative years suckling the breast of Chuck D and Rick Rubin's neighbor, Stan Luckbee, the pirogi king of Thousand Oaks. Honestly. Do you wish you were black?

Intuition: yes. except when i get pulled over by them devilish pigs.

SYFFAL: So your real name is Lee. I am assuming this is short for "huge moist saucy man danglers". What would your nickname be if you could give yourself an awesome nickname? What would the backstory be? Are you related to Lee Fields?

Intuition: My nickname would be "Rowdy." It would've been established in a Road House style white trash karate fight. I would've been so prepared for the fight to pop off that I pull out a mouth guard to protect my choppers at which point Patrick Swayze would've said "Goddamn that boy's rowdy." Lee Fields is my soul brother.

SYFFAL: I read on the internet somewhere, I'm lying, that you were recently involved with Jennifer Love Hewitt's thighs. How delicious is a woman with meat on her bones that likes touching herself in front of you? What is her tumblr.com address?

Intuition: You stalk my facebook updates and know that I fucking love J.Lo Hewitt. You're a creep.

SYFFAL: Are you okay with the recent developments on Top Chef? If you respond in such a manner that would elude to you not watching Top Chef, Fuck you. If you respond in such a way that makes Jamie out to be anything but a snooty-reliant-on-scallop-dishes-that-fucking-suck-coozey-McMoose-knuckle, I will personally call the state of Alaska and hang up on them.

Intuition: Fuck Jaime. Ol' "i'm a tattooed lesbian so i'm obviously a hip alternative chef" lookin ass. She already got eliminated. They got rid of Trey too early. They got rid of Jennifer too early. They got rid of Tiffany too early. They got rid of Marcel right on time. Fuck Marcel.

SYFFAL: I see from looking at your bio that I've never read, that you are from Alaska. Please take the time here to call the rest of America pussies for shutting down for three days during the recent Snowpocalypse of 2011.

Intuition: My brother and I once had a contest to see who could last longer sitting on the porch when it was -24 degrees outside with one thin blanket in our choners. I stayed out there for 17 minutes. America is pussy.

SYFFAL: So since you're from Alaska, you must be familiar with Angoon. Is dentistry similar to the lost art of loom weaving up there? It's like America's Britain, yes?

Intuition: you fucking white devil.

SYFFAL: You've been hitting facebook pretty hard with this KnockSteady stuff. Most of it, actually the stuff without you, is really fucking good. What is KnockSteady and can I have a tshirt size XL for my friend?

Intuition: Knocksteady.com is a collection of creative folks with a website to run amok on. Your mom will soon have us on her RSS feed. The shirts run small...we on that grown man shit...so if he needs an XL because he's fat you might want to get him a XXL.

SYFFAL: You son of a... I'm not fat! I just remembered which bathroom stall I got your email address. Where do you get your arms waxed before a really big performance?

Intuition: Denny's

SYFFAL: How cute is Open Mike Eagle?

Intuition: On a scale of 1to 10 he is puppies.

SYFFAL: So you know a bunch of people that are actually in my will. Specifically, Alex Pathetic aka douchebaggallo and Nune aka Xuitzlilapotchlitheaztecwargod. How fucking awesome are my friends from Chicago? Please tell us about how awesome Nune is in Olde English prose. When talking about Alex Pathetic, please do not mention his new found addiction to weight lifting, waka flocka and power bars, but keep it under 3 words.

Intuition: I liketh them.

SYFFAL: Last question before the last question: what are you working on next besides the topless calendar with the guys from Machina Muerte?

Intuition: some stuff that will be out some time in the future. oh and i'm getting to play paid dues this year.

SYFFAL: How badass is our site here? On a scale of 1 to 77, with 1 being a bowl of grapenuts that are actually the rotted teeth of a group of Alaskan cod fisherman using them as currency to purchase more fleshlights and 77 being the sweat of an Arabian cell phone accessory salesman offering you a light up dangling dangler for your cell phone antenna that isn't even sold by the big 5 wireless providers?

Intuition: your site is tits man. tits and pizza. there's no scale for that.

SYFFAL: I love you Lee.

Intuition: Joel, I'll send you some arm hair.

SYFFAL: SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!