Hawking

When you listen to hundreds of bands and artists a month, it's sometimes tough to gauge technical skill when you're listening for something that excites you. You aren't listening to new music to hear something "better" than everything else, you're listening to new music in an effort to keep an ear out for that same feeling you get when you hear music you're already in love with. 

Oftentimes the most amazing musicians are horrible gift wrappers. They don't understand how you can have ALL THE CHOPS and could beat Steve Vai in a guitar solo battle for your very fucking soul yet still suck fucking ass. These are the guys who can scale their asses off and even play along to an Invalids album like it's easy, but when you sit down next to them with your own guitar they couldn't GDCG to save their own sucky fucking ass. These are the guys who can hear something once and play it back perfectly, they have perfect pitch and perfect meter, but they only listen to fucking Rush records and silently hold their own musical abilities over the heads of others. They'll never be in a band worth a shit because learning an instrument didn't teach them how to communicate without words, it made them grow an ego that could turn off an entire stadium of introspective potential mates. One thing no one tells you about being in a rock band is that you have to suck everyone's dick, especially the times when you don't want someone's dick in your mouth you have to put their dick in your mouth because being in a rock band is all politics, ego, and the exchange of political ego cock sucking currencies bro.

SORRY I WENT OFF THERE. I KNOW A FEW SNOB ASS GUITAR PLAYERS WHO HAVE NEVER PLAYED A FULL SONG IN A BAND SETTING BECAUSE THEY'RE GUITARDICKS. AND I'VE BEEN IN BANDS BEFORE. I'VE SUCKED THE COCK BRO.

I was sent this self-titled EP from the band Hawking about seven times. Because the music wasn't tagged the first time, and I downloaded it again after having deleted the first download because it wasn't tagged, but then redeleted the redownload because the second download wasn't tagged either, I ended up listening to a soundcloud stream in my car. Since I live in the fucking sticks, I spent the first and second fifteen seconds with their music playing and the subsequent first and second 30 seconds where it was loading thinking to myself "jesus balls on a bent and bedazzled bottle opener tied to a shoelace leash attached to the handle on a late 80s cigarette smoke stained garage refrigerator" these assholes are noodlers. 

Seriously, if you play guitar you're half a snob (even if you suck), Hawking have those fucking chops where their rhythm playing is just as percussive as the drums, and the drums are balllllllls. But the fact that there's five tracks on their self-titled EP, and the first three are poppy as fuck, but the last two tracks on the EP are fucking intricate math-rock jacking off postrock jamgasms complete with fretboard tapping, syncopative double bass pedalling, group chant choruses?

I WANT THIS BAND TO PLAY AT MY BRISS. NOT JUST BECAUSE I WANT TO HEAR THEM LOUDER THAN HUMANLY POSSIBLE, BUT BECAUSE I WANT TO STAND THREE FEET FROM EACH FRETBOARD AND STARE AGAPE AT BOTH THEIR PICKING AND FINGERING FINGER-BUNCHES. 

As I was sitting here imagining telling someone this shit in person, I pulled my right (picking) hand off the computer and gave the air some air-strum action and I blew my own fucking mind. Hawking are such assholes I'm mad at myself for even air-picking during one fucking song bro.

Hawking have managed to write a few songs that those without the desire to understand that the musicians are in fact badass musicians wouldn't even notice how fucking amazing these gift wrapping musicians are because the songs are so fucking contagiously poppy. "Safe and Sound" and "Cold Hands" are both songs I wouldn't be shocked to hear on mindless reality television, hell I'd be happy that the dudes pulled some licensing shits, I'm just hoping that that pop shit gets songs like "Diastole" and "Systole" out into the open because it's guitar playing like that that makes me simultaneously wish I could play so fluidly and never've picked up a fucking guitar in the first place. 

You should listen to this band, remember their lyrics, see them live, wear their tshirts, and buy their albums, because if they can avoid addiction, the never ending college tour, and not killing each other, I'd wager this band will be on par with Muse one day. No bullshit.

I'm fucking annoyed with how slick this all sounds, but I can't imagine this shit was just a Nashville recording studio experiment; it's too fucking awesome. This isn't plastic in any sense of the word, no, but it's got a shine to it that catches me off guard.

"I'M A... DISAPPOINTMENT."

Hawking have me turned on, confused, and a bit guilty. Buy this twice.