Factor Chandelier

Over the last two weeks Factoria has sat in a playlist. Alone. 

Everything else I dumped onto the manpod that one fateful day has already been deleted and forgotten about. Yet there Factoria sits.

It isn't that I don't care for the album, it just hadn't hit me yet. Having experienced and loved Factor Chandelier's production before, I wasn't sure if maybe I wasn't in the right place, or that, unfortunately, the album was shit.

Hey, even tall svelte Canadian denim models can make shitty music once in awhile bro, don't get snippy. 

The last two weeks were supposed to have been the month of April, but resembled rather the mid-February span of buttshits with sideways sleet and snow, high winds, and everyone acting like fucking bitches. 

Then last Thursday the clouds seemed to part, everyone's windows seem to roll down simultaneously, and I left that asshole coat at home. Sitting in traffic, halfheartedly listening to a real estate podcast, staring out the window at the Acura in front of me, I felt a tiny bead of sweat form on my large ass head. 

Sweat? Caused by a combination of actual sun and better than bullshitty bullshit outside temperatures?

COULD THIS BE THE ELUSIVE SPRING I KEEP HEARING SO MUCH ABOUT?

Spring needs a soundtrack tho.

I loaded up Factoria and the very fucking second "The Magic City" hits I'm met with a full windshield view of the Chicago skyline, and I'm now 77% cooler than all ya'll bitches. Visually enhancing the futuristic metropolis through colorful and textural accents, Factoria feels suddenly necessary as I slowly approach the city of big shoulders. 

As "I Want To Go" drops, I'm ready for a lil shoulder shimmy, and I let that shit ride. Kirby Dominant always makes a song a party, and right the fuck now, with random people rubbing the winter out of their eyes and putting on shorts for the first time since September, it's like watching a baby take their first steps, but in our story here they're learning how to drink King Cobra while walking and nodding their heads at the same time. 

"Walk Alone" continues the futuristic architectural sheen every perfectly curved piece of glass and steel seems to convey, but while a bit more introspective, this is "Tron in Canada" as fuck. 

"Dozer II" features SYFFAL favorite Open Mike Eagle. Not only is OME the guy who says things you'd never imagine saying yourself, but he says them cool as fuck, as his delivery makes even random combinations of uncool words hip as fuck. Dude could recite my grocery list and, no matter what, I would white boy toss my hands in the air and repeat "guacamole cups, organic fuji apples, and two things of strawberries, two things of strawberries". Motherfucking bless this man's existence. Bless this man's existence. 

When I hit "Noise Band", I immediately remember why I've been an AWOL fan since college. His delivery is both scratching your head and your balls when you wake up, at the same time. I fucking adore how out of it, yet completely on point he is on every track. But then this might be the first Gregory Pepper performance I can remember where I'm erotically gesticulating in his direction because his square ass pocket protector rapsinging is fucking KILLINGK ITS. And of course Ceschi hits the smooth funk sack with a reference to previous incarcerations, WHAT WOULD WE BE WITHOUT MAKING FUN OF OUR PAST MISTAKES/DRAMA AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY?

Of course, just a few years ago I wouldn't think this tone and this humor and this happy vibe possible on a Fake Four release, at fucking all. Those walls were all punched out and ready to collapse, but somehow these Fake Four jagbags made it through the other side and "Noise Band" seems like the relaxed version of flicking off the recent past while enjoying the outlook of the present future, happily.

I can say with confidence that Factor's instrumental game is on fucking pad thai lock, because every single instro on Factoria is well placed and appreciated. "Buildings" being the one where I caught myself looking up when I should've been looking through the windshield at traffic finally moving. Thankfully, when honked upon, I didn't freak out and slam on the gas and flick the guy off who honked behind me. No. Because of how happily chill my balls were, I calmly waved and lifted my foot off the brake to move the SEVEN AND A HALF FUCKING INCHES FORWARD the guy behind me wanted to move only to sit for an additional ninety seconds before inching forward another additional eight inches. 

The track "Snaps" featuring Kay the Aquanaut is so perfectly Canadian hip hop it could be released on a piece of vinyl cut of hardened tree sap and maple syrup with a center label crafted out of ice fishing shanty knit mittens bro. I have always loved how this dude has his style and he rocks the balls out of it because it's just fucking him. His stance on "Snaps" is both confident and hilarious with Kay's typically unemployed drawl. Kay is the guy who unironically wears the hats with the ear flaps with waterproof winter boots in the summer, and is a community pool lifeguard who wears crusty maroon corduroys over wool socks and drawls while on the job, but he murders shit, so we really don't care too much as long as he's comfortable in his own skin.

I'd recommend you purchase this fucking album before someone decides to sketch my rambling album review on a bar napkin and publish it as an animated feature and then you won't have been "ALL UP ON THIS SHIT BRUH" like we know you want to.

YOU. GO BUY. NOW. 

Also, I would totally move to Factoria if Kay was the pool lifeguard AND my kids' school teacher.