Guys, I don't like being an asshoel Joel, but I don't think most of you understand you're doing it wrong. I'm sure I'll come up with more after you assholes send in more music that's disgustingly packaged, but hey, here are another few examples of where you NEED TO GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER.
6. Send links to videos, not video "channels"
Some dude went through the hassle of filling out a music submission form on our site, and then instead of sending anything specific, he just dropped his "youtube channel" link in there. Seeing as we're not assholes and do our best to listen to every submission (unless you say you're a "hip hop artist" or a "rapper", then I just forward it to Tom, because TOM IS HIP HOP), we click, we see 17 videos and none of them are music videos. Are people supposed to subscribe to your channel if they don't know you? Your channel is nice bro. I'm really happy you have a channel all your own, but c'mon bro. Be specific. If you're a musician, send people who listen to and write about music music, don't send them on wild goose chase. GOOSES ARE BITCHES AND I DON'T FUCKS WITH BITCH ASS GOOSES. If you want me to watch your music movie, send me your music movie, not your fucking entire brollection.
5. Showcase your best, not everything
You have 17 songs on your album, fuck you bro. You're releasing a "double disc" "live album", fuck you. Release your best. Wait, no. ONLY release your best. If you think all of those fucking 17 songs are your best, chop that shit up into three EPs and drop em four months afuckingpart. Only when you have an actual fanbase can you shove 17 songs down someone's throat. And only when you've been doing this for a really fucking long time can you EVER release a "live album". And only when three of your band members are fucking DEAD can you release a double disc live album, bro. Live in the now, respect the listener, trim that shit and only showcase the cock n balls. Ain't nobody finna jack off to your calves bruh.
4. "Freestyles" are for friends, "songs" are for strangers
I just clicked on a youtube video and it was labeled as if it were a music video, but when it opened up the title had this word in parenthesis at the end that made me want to throw my laptop into fucking Lake Michigan. It said "SONG TITLE" (freestyle). Fuck your freestyle bro. If I wanted to listen to a freestyle I'd travel back in time to when I cared whether another human was quick witted on the fly. If mom's spaghetti, in the form of vomit, was on my sweater, we have a different story bro. Rappers labeling things as a "freestyle" is ruining the environment. Not only is it not a freestyle if you rap it twice in your life, but it's considered a verse if you wrote that shit down. Be better bro. Shove your freestyle up your own ass, and then puke out a song like the cool kids.
3. "Live Performance" videos are for showing yer ma
BRO. YOUR HOMIE RECORDED THE VIDEO VERTICALLY ON AN IPHONE4 AND KEPT SAYING "UHHHH" WHILE YOU WERE ON STAGE AT A "PRIVATE CONCERT" WHICH WE ALL KNOW MEANS YOU WERE JUST ON A STAGE WHEN NO ONE ELSE (who deserved to be up there) WAS USING IT. There's nothing wrong with practicing on a stage, there's nothing wrong with filming it, but COME THE FUCK ON, HAVE SOME RESPECT FOR YOURSELF, SHOW YER MA, DON'T SHOW STRANGERS BRO. I would appreciate a video of a static image of just your face with clean audio behind it rather than a herky jerky hand held phone video of you rapping in the mirror man, be better. If your video playback quality resembles a sex video, you might be an asshole if you show it to a stranger.
2. If your songs are longer than 3:30, ask yourself "am I really doing anything different that requires the song be a year long?" and reconsider if the answer is "no" bro
I love post rock. In fact, I love most instrumental music (unless it comes from Eastern Europe and is played at a "disco"). I understand that sometimes the song is a story and the story is a bit long. That's different. What I'm talking about is the six minute pop song that repeats the bridge after the fourth chorus and then repeats the chorus three more times after the third guitar solo and then it starts over. WHY? IS THERE SOMETHING MORE THAT NEEDS TO BE SUNG? If you're shooting for soundcloud plays you'll never top 100 because THE SONG IS STILL GOING! THESE PEOPLE HAVE JOBS AND FAMILIES AND WANT TO MASTURBATE BEFORE GOING SHOPPING AND DOING MORE FUCKING LAUNDRY, GIVE THEM A BREAK! Rethink releasing songs that are too fucking long. If you're performing it live, NO NOT FOR YOUR LIVE ALBUM BRO, feel free to extend that shit if it's your fucking jam, but LIVE IN REALITY, YOUR MUSIC AIN'T THAT INTERESTING MANG! Trim the fat bruh. Would you rather people keep starting your song over? Or would you rather people give it one listen and never return because it took a fucking COMMITMENT to finish?
1. Shove all of your teaser promo lyric behind the scenes videos up your ass
No one, besides the band Arcane Roots, should be dropping fucking teaser videos. And no one, AND I MEAN NO ONE, gives a fuck what your lyrics are. And if I want a behind the scenes video, I'll stab myself in the fucking gunt and google something from a band worth watching their scenes behind the scenes. JESUS BALLS ARE WE ALL SO DELUSIONAL THAT WE THINK PEOPLE CARE THAT MUCH???? THEY DON'T BRO! Save the behind the scenes shit for your kids so after you die a boring death they have something to remember you by, but come the fuck on, spare the rest of humanity your vanity and focus on the music. In addition to behind the scenes lyric promo videos, you should also rethink recording your music videos while you're actually recording your actual music, because if I see another person sing into a Pop Stopper with their hand on one headphone I'm going to shit a Neumann U87 and then shove it back up my ass until you TURN OFF THE SEPIA FILTER BRO.
Fuck, you people need jesus. And by jesus, I mean ORIGINAL THAWTS!
Be better.
Love,
Dad