I am knee deep in the longest musical depression of my adult life.
Since November 6th, 2016, I haven't had the patience to listen to a new album on the whole. I used to listen to life without skipping a damn thing.
Since November 6th, 2016, I haven't wanted anything to do with the things music makes me feel. Music used to make me feel like I could walk into anything naked.
Since November 6th, 2016, I've replaced my hunger for music and somehow become completely absorbed with the daily news cycle. I turn anxious within hours of not knowing what news is breaking.
In breaking news I'm fucking broken.
If it isn't AP News on Spotify at the top of every hour, it's a daily news podcast giving me all I need to know for the day. If I'm not listening to something like the news, I've taken to beating myself up for not being an expert at something by listening to "business" podcasts.
I've managed to squeeze out the never ending search for the perfect musical feeling and replaced it with words that don't stroke my soul.
I've forgotten everything musical that kept me at that confusing level of chill yet at the ready and sort of poured this thick and depressing and paralyzing bucketload of guilt gravy all over myself.
I haven't been able to breathe without feeling like I don't deserve the comfort of breating.
Being all adulty means pushing myself to make better decisions than I did before, from professional to financial to parental to marital to fucking emotional. Since I'm not a complete sack of shit, my expectations of myself are impossible to attain. Even characters in feelgood movies couldn't accomplish the shit I think I should have accomplished already.
I hold myself to a standard that's simply unhealthy.
FOR THE RECORD I JUST CHANGED ALL THE "YOU" AND "YOURSELF" WORDS ABOVE TO "I" AND "MYSELF".
I have a lot of bullshit to sort out, but I'm excited to sort it out subconciously. I don't have time to worry myself into health, I'll just be that then tho.
Sorry this ends here, but I really wanna stop thinking.