Intro: SYFFAL (or Joel) LOVES ME LIKE BEES REALLY HARD. Let's all laugh as they describe SXSW without the use of hashtags!
March 17th, 2016:
Welcome to Austin, TX; home of some of the most insufferable shit in the world such as Ted Cruz, Wake-boarding, Psychedelic Rock and now South By Southwest Music and Film Festival. It’s like the whole city is under a terrorist threat of a hipster-bomb going off while convincing themselves that “Kimchi Fries” is an actual Korean dish and Breakfast Tacos aren’t just half assed breakfast burritos with lower overhead and higher profit margins. Greed is a terrible sin and SXSW is the foremost of sinners.
Here’s an idea for a music festival; let’s never compensate entertainment while making them pay $20-$50 for parking. It works. The damn thing works beyond reason, and yet we keep coming back time and time again even when we said “THIS WAS THE LAST TIME” like an abused spouse, delusional to the truth that is so apparent. Then let’s cater the whole thing to Bernie Sanders supporters and make it just ironic as fuck that they give us all of their money for a wrist band. You did this America and Donald Trump is proud of you.
Enough truth bombs, don’t get me started on 9/11. Come see my dumb band if you’re in Austin. Schedule is at melikebees.com. Everything is about trying to “keep Austin weird” so we’ll be doing an acapella rendition of Captain Beefheart’s “Trout Mask Replica” from start to finish. It’s going to be terrible. (or if you’re lying to yourself about being a Beefheart fan then it’s “Fast and Bulbous!”)
DAILY INSTAGRAM LINK OF AWESOME
-Tim
March 18th, 2016:
This one security guard yelled at me for putting up posters. I didn’t comprehend what the fuck he was talking about, maybe he didn’t like bees. Then he told me to “hurry up with that silly shit and get the fuck out of here.” Sometimes there are haters when you hustle and grind. Doesn’t matter, our new mixtape is fire.
We play a Co-op tonight at 1am, that’s way past my bed time. I’m getting too old for this silly shit. Maybe that security guard is right, and he was being philosophical.
DAILY INSTAGRAM LINK OF AWESOME
-Tim
March 19th, 2016:
Ah, the 21st. Street Co-op. Known for its history in Austin, TX as the first building in North America built from the ground up to be a Cooperative. It’s a college experience indeed. Before I get started with my story of the night, I’d like to give you the full picture with the only Yelp review in existence for the music venue written in 2011.
“Just upon first arrival for the trash soaked yard, I remained positive that at least the venue stage would be cool. Yes, the artwork is fascinating. The whole place is fascinating. But after seeing the band struggling with setting up, I thought, " what is wrong here?"
1. Bands were booked to play and according to them No One in the co-op was aware there was a show, much less anyone to help.
2. The co-op is clothing-optional. This would be fine if the place was clean. Clean in some way...but no, along with the trash EVERYWHERE, I concluded that the girl with the sandy, tar-colored vagina sitting on the bench was enough for me to feel significantly disgusted.
3. The only available bathroom there was, I kid you not, covered in sticky urine and feces. I couldn't use it, I had to go across the street. (Picture for comparison of the bathroom taken by me (Tim Cote) last night -https://www.instagram.com/p/BDHczpcgkvj )
4. They have really nice kitty cats roaming everywhere.” (source: http://www.yelp.com/biz/21st-st-co-op-music-venue-austin)
This is definitely the most punk-rock place I’ve played since doing a basement show in 2007 at a venue appropriately named “The Cesspool Castle”. Pete bought a 12 pack of Lone Star and shared it with me, telling me “This is the only way I’m going to make it though this show” and “the 60’s looks like it was awful, I’ve found more respect for my parents by living through it.” I shared his sentiments as I looked to my left from the balcony and watched this little fuckstick of a college student climb the roof and throw a bamboo javelin towards our van for no reason whatsoever. I thought about saying something, but didn’t - thinking I’ve insulted Texas enough.
I was drinking my Lone Star on the north facing balcony as I was telling Luke that it was one of my favorite “Shitty” beers. Apparently someone five feet away was listening in on our conversation and spoke up, acting insulted saying “Are you talking shit on our beer now?!” No need to defend your beer, Texas. You really should be more self aware, also don’t forget I described it as my “favorite.”
Lone Star beer advertises itself on the can as “The National Beer of Texas” as if the motherfucker had already seceded from the union. Good riddance. Take your wake-boarding and Ted Cruz with you, just leave me the Texas Rattle-Snake Diamond Dallas Page, Walker Texas Ranger and that fine ass eye-candy side kick of his, Trivette. They can stay.
No matter how liberal, artsy, independent or activist a college co-op might be; they can’t resist falling for some Eminem or Dr. Dre - the prime antagonist in a LGBT and Women’s Rights / Body Image movement in the form of late 90’s hip-hop. If “2001” taught me anything; I know to “Never forget 9/11” and to “Never forget about Dre.” Check out the instagram link below to see our Merch guy “J-Thrill” get at it while we cover “Forgot about Dre.”
Daily Instagram Link of Awesome
https://www.instagram.com/p/BDH7vRvSHzq/
-Tim
March 20th, 2016:
After a full day of gang-related turf waring, tagging posters over “AMERICA’S #1 HOTTEST MIXTAPE DJ” and saying “Fuck the Neon Desert Music Festival” under my breath every time I staple gun my 8.5x11 Black and White Urkel Poster over one of the 10 monstrosities they have strapped to a light pole, I was pretty over it. Then hearing “AMERICAS #1 HOTTEST MIXTAPE DJ” get pissed at me for putting my shit over his poster, I was definitely over it. Dude, my poster fails in both size comparison, quality and quantity to yours. I don’t think visibility is going to be an issue for you and the ten thousand 2’ by 3’ full color, high gloss mug shots you have of yourself. I’m sure everyone here thinks you’re a celebrity. But if you want to pull out and compare dicks, you’re allowed to. It’s Austin and pulling out dicks is common practice.
Regrets. Some of us assess them at the end of the day, while others live by a manifesto refusing to have any at all. The ones who live in a Carpe Diem state of mind make the rest of the world more entertaining for realists like myself. Halfway through our set at The Blind Pig Pub rooftop, we were met with a stark reality of saying ‘sure’ when a drunk woman yells from the crowd ‘can I come up there and dance with you?’ With moves like Shakira with no ass, this woman made it through three songs, yelling intelligent questions in our ears such as “WHAT’S YOUR NAME?” before she finally fell over the drum riser and was escorted off stage. I have to give it to her, I didn’t expect her to make it that long, she’s the real MVP. (Video of her performance here: https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=553923871434129&id=100004495635534)
We loaded up and headed home after our showcase only stopping at a Burger King to get some food because they have vegetarian options. In case you were wondering, Luke is still a vegetarian beyond all of our expectations. We arrived home at six this morning, unloaded and went back to bed. I’m gonna throw down on some Mario Kart Double Dash soon, all of you are welcome to come over. Bring pizza rolls.
THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT SXSW THIS YEAR:
1. Don’t send your kids to college, they’ll only waste their education and money on things that don’t matter.
2. Objectifying women is still very prominent. I won’t say anything about race. I just want readers to know that you should live by example and that people are watching and judging you. Mostly me. I’m judging you. All the time.
3. I met AMERICAS #1 HOTTEST MIXTAPE DJ and he’s a dick.
4. Cops will stop and tell you that putting up posters is illegal but won’t make any effort towards the blatant drug use and drunkenness in the street.
5. EVERYONE IS A RAPPER. FUCKING EVERYONE.
6. People dress up like Ninja Turtles and want money if you take a picture of them. BITCH I WOULD LOVE TO DRESS UP LIKE A NINJA TURTLE FOR FREE, LET ALONE GET PAID FOR THIS COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT!
7. A proclamation written on a log in marker at the 21st Street Co-Op reads “WHO WILL POLICE THE POLICE?.” We all know Donald Trump will.
8. SXSW caters to rappers and white people who like rap.
9. Nobody likes Drake.
10. If you’re playing SXSW official, you’re either a nobody climbing up the charts or a somebody coming down the charts. Example: Bloc Party.
Thanks to SYFFAL for having me.
Until next time when I can convince Joel to let me be a regular contributor.
Daily Instagram Link of Awesome:
https://www.instagram.com/p/BDL5yP6AkvZ/
- Tim