One Song

How come whenever I listen to Juan Deuce my shoulders push towards one another with my elbows and palms straight out towards my sides and I feel the need to wear longer gym socks? Is it the fact that he's my favorite Albanian circledancer? Is it the fact that he's got J57 on the track and my FAVORITE three foot tall (soaking wet) DJ with the name Mekalek making everything so hip hops?  If Juan Deuce, J57 and Mekalek came out with their own houswares line there would be microphone daggers scooping up melted wax from a bowl made of vinyl and spinning at 33bpm in the form of a wallpaper pattern on the walls of their kitschy kitchen bro. I fucking love how these dudes sweat their asses off...

Ah fuck. This is fucking smooth balls.  While I wasn't sure if I was down with Astronauts, etc., I can now properly slap myself with the balls I just called smooth and start the relationship between their fingies and my side face holes (ears bro) over. Holy fucking guitar work. I'd like to formally announce that myself and "Shake It Loose" are going steady. I've already sketched the name into my trapper keeper, "Shake It Loose" has already handed over the letterman's jacket and the last pair of drawls it wore at track practice. This fucking song sounds like the soundtrack to a Moonlighting episode, but instead of lawyers and Bruce Willis, it's all sex between doctors in the doctor's lounge and un-reimbursible rectal exams on the lunch table. I WANT ALL...

I have no idea what the fuck is happening around me but I'm simultaneously confused, aroused, and petrified.  Volkova Sisters are a SYFFAL submission that juuuuuuust rolled in this morning and I accidentally opened the link and the soundcloud started playing. I walked away from my desk to check the printer as the song somehow materialized, and here I am bent backwards over my desk chair doing the dance from Thriller while my shirt takes itself off via gravity bro. I'm not just hypnotized, I'm erotically hypnotized you fetishy, leather-clad bastards. Wherever the fuck Volkova Sisters are from, it sounds Eastern European, and like they've seen some shit. While the song suggests I should get to fondling myself, the mood reminds me that there's probably land...

Altered Tapes just fingerbanged Jamie xx's "Loud Places" in a way I didn't think imaginable. While the track was already a loose shouldered "I'M NOT USING MY EYES ANYWAY" jam for me, I never considered hitting it this hard. I mean, the chorus on the original gives my goose pimples goose pimples, but here, I have goose pimples with huge erections and they're playing swords all over my fucking lumpy Luxembourgian body bros. IT'S LIKE I'M ON DRUGS, but drugs that only a self-respecting beacon of the people's loins could ingest.  Maker and Trew are fucking assholes for this. I had JUST gotten over my addiction to this album.  So what are we working with on this remake? Stuttered house shoe'd house moves, horns one...

Just click play and go back about ya bidness. Was it sunny a second ago and now everything's fucking bleak and erotic as fuck? HERE TOO BRO! WEIRD! Whoever the fuck BATTS are, they're that special column in the electronic music genre that holds all the "I'd listen to this while drowning or going down on my loved one" one could ever invent. Once she takes her voice out of the comfortable and up a bit, you can hear that slight scratch of her throat, and oh god. OH GOD THAT SHIT'S JUST SEXY AS HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL. Someone make these assholes make more music, because this shit is exactly what we needed in the bedroom. Sultry yet completely lacking anything corny? Impossible. But totally fucking appreciated. "For That, I'm Sorry" is sexy...

Cash+David bug the fuck out of me.  I love the fuck out of them. But Cash+David bug the fuck out of me.  HOW'S ABOUT YOU DROP AN ALBUM OR AN EP BROS!?!?!?!? Every single fucking single they send out into the ocean of the internet somehow attaches itself to my undercarriage and I carry it under my carriage for weeks. I hum their shit. I imagine myself dancing to myself humming their shit. I dance to my humming of their shit.  BUT I WANT MORE THAN JUST ONE SONG! I WANT A COLLECTION OF THEM! I WANT AN EP. I WANT AN LP! I WANT A PP DAMNIT! I find every Cash+David track emotionally and aurally pleasing and "Pains 4 U" is no exception, although this feels a bit more Miley Cyrus than I was expecting. And that's no diss, I fucking love me some Miley bros...

How in a city of tens of millions of mother fuckers do I keep finding you guys? Who, you ask? In a city where Donald Trump would have trouble putting a dollar bill in each man's hand, I keep finding kindred spirits, those men of the same cloth! And by cloth I mostly mean T-shirts from Instagram famous marijuana brands. Thanks bros! Can't wear those shirts around any one I know or love, but GLO!  I digress like I digest. Disgustingly.  Toss my salad and melt my pot, brojangles, but how the fuck can the circles be this concentric? AsimOff, is part quality emcee, as evidenced by this here Soundclouder, part rap dad, part co-proprietor of the cutty studio/afterhours, Shambhala, and ALL FUCKING PIRATE!  That last part seals the fucking deal, yo!  I keep meeting people like...

I fucking love Juan Deuce. Every time dude opens his front face hole a party spills out and I'm all ignoring the fact I can smell myself in this late 80's Celtics jersey and these Adidas chanclas.  Juan Deuce makes every day Saturday at 5pm. The night's in front of you, you ain't gotta work tomorrow, and you have more than five bucks to spend on tamales once the clock strikes Sunday. That's a fucking Juan Deuce right there bruh. This new track "El Oh Vee E" (broduced by the bro J57 (the J stands for Kassandra!) has the horns to make your morns bro, and if there was ever a song that sounded hopeful about being without a woman, this might just very well be the fucking jam. I'm looking forward to the new ...

There are a few things I can tell from listening to Chvrches lead single, Leave a Trace, off of their upcoming new album, Every Open Eye (out on September 25th): There will be no sophomore slump! The songs will be so much bigger! Lauren Mayberry is a force to be reckoned with! These are all supreme truths that are well deserving of the exclamation points I’ve bestowed on them. When I first listened to the single my brain flagged it as a spectacular impassioned kiss off to an ex. That kind of music speaks to me. I think my brain always goes to that place first and there’s nothing wrong with that. We all take our own personal journeys with other people’s words. What we project on to said words is our own special thing. It’s still our...

...an excerpt from Tom's music diary: 35 seconds into this track by Zoo I could feel the chorus coming after crescendoing plea for 'Bobby': "Bobby, BOBBY, BOBBEEEEEEEY." *Zach Morris Timeout* This is the moment that this song will either fall flat on its face or blow back the trail to my treasure. From what I heard in the first 35 seconds I just know that there will be no in-between.  I read on Zoo's press release that his shit was like a marrying of St. Vincent and Youth Lagoon - quirky and experimental....as fearless as it was pants-buldgeable - it'd make you denounce your almighty savior, join a commune in Iowa and build teepees out of giant asparagai spears.  I just need a second to relish in my moment of Zach Morris...