I have two friends I like to call my Besties. They are my left and my right nut. I have two other, quasi-besties friendsies that are besties with each other, their names are Sean Daley aka Slug of hip hop group Atmosphere, and Joel Frieders, which also happens to be the names of my lefty and righty.
I have always dreamt about the amazing conversations my balls must have, and since I don't speak testicalian I will never know the wonders of their unique culture. However, I do have a website and I know the two people who are named after my testos and I figured why not have them chat it up so I can live vicariously through my balls through them. And with that was born The Weekly Taint which is actually more like the every ten day taint, but hey my balls lead very busy lives, they can just drop everything for your amusement.
Take it away Slug (Lefty) and Joel (Righty)
SYFFAL: If you could list your top 3 male celebrity crushes, who would they be and why?
Slug: Joel. I'm married now.
SYFFAL: Is Christian Slater in Gleaming the Cube on that list? If so, hell yeah Christian Slater in Gleaming the Cube! If no, why the hell not? He's got it all in that movie! Wicked bangs, an evil toothy grin, and that manner of speaking that makes you question his consciousness. What a dreamboat.
Slug: I'm afraid I missed that film. But i do own a sealed copy of Pump It Hottie on foot-long vinyl. Representing for people with red hairs.
SYFFAL: I've been having a hard time communicating with some of my oldest friends lately. It's not schedules or the fact that we all have many many chilrens. It's not jobs. It's not the vast racial divide. Rather, I say words and they do not understand them. They say words, and I cock my head sideways and shrug, me is confuseds.
With one friend in particular, just a few weeks ago we could talk about nothing for hours, kind of like how me and you do on skype every thursday at 4:45pm CST. Now, just 14 or so days later, we say things and the other person just stares at the other waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sean, why would shoes be dropping for any reason? Why would that be a common slogan when referring for something to happen? Where would shoes be dropping from?
Slug: Drop science. Drop it like it's hot. MMM-MMMM-Drop. Fools are drinking double large paper cups of dirty snow slushies as a midnight snack and acting like the straw isn't the Illuminati.
#Fuckahashtagwetictactoe
I just looked to my right, and I am currently sitting next to a bag of dirty diapers that need to be brought out to the trash thing.
SYFFAL: Sean, I've been checking out the pictures from your Minnesota-only tour and holy balls do ya'll look like you're melting faces. Let's be honest, what was the best show on the tour? Did Lucas Davenport show up backstage?
Slug: That tour amazed me. I didn't know what to expect. The audience reception we received was awesome. As an overall project, everyone involved was at their top notch, which makes all of the environments happy, which makes Jopy happy, which makes Randy happy, which makes me smile.
I am Lucas Davenport.
We are all Lucas Davenport.
SYFFAL: You're a poet. Like Shel Shilvershtein.
I have never been a big awards show watcher. Some of my friends have parties and buy squares and actually care about some of these things, but I have much less "out of my hands" type hobbies. For instance, I'm an avid lawn mower in the warmer months, and I take great pride in making sure my children are fed and warshed. What sorts of hobbies do you partake in when you aren't inciting riots of rebellious youths?
Slug: Fuck hobbies, life is too short. I use my spare time to do volunteer work - Check it.
SYFFAL: *Hands on hips.*
I see what you did there. Sinner.
Out of all the instruments you'd find being blown, stroked, struck or tickled in an orchestra, I think the bassoon and the oboe are the most badass. Mainly my reasoning for thinking that is that they both look like either bongs or weapons. Which classical instrument is most badass to you and would you tattoo it on your thigh next to our matching tattoos of us skydiving last Spring?
Slug: I want to return most of my tattoos. Give them back. I did it wrong. With each one I got I really thought I would appreciate it forever.
Ha.
SYFFAL: I'm now reading the new Brad Thor book The Athena Project and it's all about these four hot broads who kick a shitton of ass. It's like Charlie's Angels but without the cheese, or Charlie. If you could recast Charlie's Angels with ONLY broads of your choosings, who would they be and why?
Slug: M.C. Lyte, Queen Latifah, and Geraldine Ferraro.
SYFFAL: My friend Tim & I email each other about 77 times a day, it's borderline obsessive, yet equal parts hilarious and erotic at the same time. Do you have an e-bff (besides me)? What is your preferred method of communication? Cell phone, computer, facebook, text, email...
Slug: Beep me.
SYFFAL: When your music career is over, and you're forced to get a real job, will you pack a lunch? Will it be in a reusable lunch bag with the ability to chill items or keep them warm? Transformers lunch box? Paper bag? Plastic grocery bag? How do you feel about the trusty Thermos?
Slug: I like the steel lunch box with the Thermos.
I will put other people's promotional stickers on it. Therefore i will still be part of the movement yo.
SYFFAL: Sean, as always, I'm a huge fan and have to pinch myself every day that I'm actually besties with such a hero of mine. I mean, it's good that I befriended you before you got much older, at least before your memory goes.
You are awesome Sean. Bring me back something free.
Slug: Joel, whenever you visit Minneapolis, I will have an alibi for why I can't hang out. Be safe.
ONE!!!