Brandon Backhaus
Brandon Backhaus has been asleep at the wheel for a decade. He just woke up smashed in a roadside ditch surrounded my empty Mike's Hard Lemonade bottles, and Ragga Jungle mixtapes. And after taking stock, has decided to hitchhike back to life, pausing only to belt out the occasional, "It's the Final Countdown", masturbate, and be mouth-raped by Cap't Crunch.
Album Review
Vinyl Cape - The Glitter of Putrescence
Brandon Backhaus | September 25, 2016
I remember throwing rocks with my dickbag friends at my elementary school from the dirt lot behind 7/11 across the street. Some Laffy Taffy and my step-dad’s pack of Merit menthol 100s in my pocket and on my lips. My mismatched bike in the dirt. My shoes and...
Video
Open Mike Eagle - Smiling (Quirky Race Doc)
Brandon Backhaus | September 8, 2016
"Smiling (A Quirky Race Doc)" is a new video by rapper Open Mike Eagle and producer Paul White. And it is one of those releases that will make people call Open Mike Eagle an important rapper...
Video
Wrongboy feat Signor Benedick the Moor - Rosegold
Brandon Backhaus | September 7, 2016
My drive to work is basically a roller coaster at Hollywood Land in Florida. Across the Elysian Valley, Downtown like a ghost mountain range in the distance, past Dodger Stadium, Sunset strip, through Beverly Hills to UCLA. It’s fun at 80 mph in the dark. It’...
Video
World Premiere: Maxwell Drummey - Vacation
Brandon Backhaus | September 6, 2016
I’m sitting here. At this desk. At MY desk. Listening to music and tallying up the disappointment. There are the typical items found on a desk. Plus a hat (disappointingly won at an In & Out Burger promotional roulette where the clear score was a burger,...
Video
scallops hotel - niopo tree stipend
Brandon Backhaus | August 23, 2016
I woke up on Sunday morning and my beard’s matted. I watched this video before putting the tea kettle on for the French Press. My girlfriend is still asleep even though she set the alarm. If there was an embodiment of hip hop’s inner child, its name in...
Video
Fudge - In My Shoes
Brandon Backhaus | August 17, 2016
Size 13 wide. Myyyyyyyyyy Shoooooooooeeeeees.
At this very moment I'm wearing socks and sandles because I don't care what you think about me anymore. Am I the only one that laments Stormtrooper-style ultra-chunky skate shoes? I copped some grey midtop Filas...
Video
The Growlers - Going Gets Tough
Brandon Backhaus | August 11, 2016
Just when I think I might not be old as fuck… The Growlers remind me just how grey the tender nether regions have turned. These guys are like the annoying fucking man-children at the hipster bowling alley clogging up the lanes with an...
Video
Tommy Cash - Winaloto
Brandon Backhaus | August 8, 2016
So I watched this video from Tommy Cash called, “Winaloto”.
First question: Where in the ever-loving fuck is this kid from?
Second question: Do I even like this?
Answer #1: Post-Communist Estonia.
Answer #2: I think I’m in love.
This...
Video
World Premiere: Cobby and Litten - Tinder Surprise
Brandon Backhaus | August 4, 2016
This is the auditory equivalent of redecorating my living room with shag carpet.
Just slide left.
The feel of the bushy fabric on my naked body as I lay prone on floor.
Just slide left.
Jumpsuits for men!
Just slide left.
This is the auditory equivalent...
Video
Tristan Zammit feat. MF Doom, Ol'Dirty Bastard, and Earl Sweatshirt - Huey, Sorcerer of the Brooklyn Zoo
Brandon Backhaus | July 20, 2016
I just fucking leapt out of my chair, pointed at the screen and screamed, “LOOK AT THIS SHIT, Y’ALL!” to absolutely nobody!
I’m home all alone.
I'm on the internet a lot and at this point almost unshockable. From beheadings to kittens covered in baby chickens...
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