I've stressed about getting my vas defrens snipped ever since the doctors told us we were having twins. I knew it would come to this, and I knew I would be apprehensive, but I don't see any other way of making sure that in the next five or six years I get to fucking sleep by myself for more than three hours at a time. People joke about kids being oh so cute but their super power is not allowing you to sleep, and they're absolutely fucking correct, kids are assholes after 9pm.
So after much soul searching (I'm kidding), I decided to take the snip snip and move the fuck on. On May 2nd, 2012, I shall have a vasectomy and after 20 or so ejaculations, I will lose my ability to impregnate my wife with one milliliter of precum.
Due to my ferocious musical OCD, I have compiled a list of songs that adequately demonstrate my sadness over not being able to make le babiez, but at the end of it all, I'm just looking forward to never having to deal with the stress of pregnancy inside of my brain. Worrying if your kid will live, be born with water on the brain, have all of his parts on the inside of his/her body at birth, all of that shit, it's stress that you can't even imagine before you find out you're having kids.
For that, I say fuck you semen, I don't need you anymore.
Let us play.
Enigma - Sadness
Today I lose my ability to father children should the zombie apocalypse come and eat my entire family. I is sadz.
Sugar - Hoover Dam
I am literally looking over a fucking dam at all the things that can go wrong. Also, whenever I think of my balls, I think of Bob Mould's voice.
Frank Ocean - There Will Be Tears
There WILL be tears bro, Tears of semenz.
Dark Time Sunshine - Run
I should fucking bolt out of the fucking surgery room. At least I shaved my balls tho bro. I look good downtown.
Elie Milano - Laughing All The Way To The Plank
Ah fuck it, I'm invincible with or without my semenz.
Eve6 - Here's To Tonigh
Sniff. See you guys in hell you fucking asshole semens. We might as well have a sappy graduation party type vibe going on guys.
Talking Heads - Born Under Punches
Yes, I'm confused. I can now only use my penis for evil.
Arctic Monkeys - Teddy Picker
The thrusts of this song remind me that I have to refrain from sexual activity for a few days, which is okay because I am married and we don't have the sex because of all the children that occurred because of the two times we DID have the sex.
Atmosphere - Sunshine
Whenever I think of coming out of the fog, I think of Atmosphere. And yes, I just ended my vasectomy playlist with an Atmosphere song. Slug is now part of my testicles. And vice versaz.
I hope I heal up okay, I adore my penile area quite frankly.
PRAY FOR ME SYFFAL.
Send happy thoughts to my happy place.