Yes, I'm complaining. Yes, I'm a whiny bitch who can't stand the fact that bands and artists that I come in contact with at some point are doing things that bug the shit out of me. Things that aren't necessarily wrong in any actual way, but things that I see as being annoying and pointless, but to put it simply, in my asshole opinion, completely fucking wrong.
Yes, you bands and artists and rappers and producers are doing it wrong. And not only do I find this shit annoyingly and pointlessly wrong, I think you fuckers are doing yourselves a disservice by doing what you've always done, what every other band does or what you assume people want.
So here we go, 5 things you're fucking up on you asshole bands, rappers and pooflingers who call themselves musicians:
1. Your albums are too fucking long.
Seriously. Consider your market, then consider how long it takes you to put together an album. What makes more sense you asshole? Putting out 12 (or even worse, MORE) tracks once a year, or 3-5 tracks every few months?
Sure, putting out an entire album with one ejaculation might make sense in the old tired marketing budget/advertising paradigm, but what's going to keep your music in the ears of people like me who know there are 777 other bands out there to listen to at this very moment?
Realistically, most bands reading this do most of their PR themselves to begin with, so what makes more sense when hitting people up to get yourself some publicity: One group of annoying emails excitedly sucking off your album in the span of 5-8 weeks because THIS IS YOUR ONE SHOT? Or four smaller groups of emails that make you sound like you have your shit together and casually say "peep game muthafucker, if not, no big deal, I'll email you in a month with some more shit bro bro"?
I'm not saying you can't 't record an album's worth of material in one epic recording session, shit do what you want, I'm not your dad bro, but if you expect your "album" to make any impact on an already over-saturated market without a fanbase, a PR budget or a tour lined up you're walking with a cock up your ass and you're wasting your time.
Do less over more time instead of more over less time, get people excited about seeing you live by releasing 3-5 tracks at different times throughout the year. Not only that, there is something psychologically stimulating about knowing you'll have new music dropping every fucking season. You might actually become a better band who can start recording remixes of songs as they grow EVEN BEFORE THE STUDIO VERSION DROPS!
OMG! Song development without all the worry? OMG!
2. Needy Ass Social Media Whores (NASMW)
I love bands that tweet or post from their facebooks like they are real people, not constantly shoving their videos or pulling their own cocks. If you are only using your social media outlets as a way of publicizing yourself and sharing shit that pulls your own cock, you're a fucking cocknosed cocknose and you should stop assuming people fucking care. You know what's awesome? When a band you love has a drummer who's fucking awesome on instagram, or when your bass player is extremely knowledgeable about fucking squirrels, or when you make fun of each other using the same twitter account and reply to your own @ just to talk more shit to the guy who's driving the van 500 miles and he can't comment back because he's fucking driving and you're baked off in the back seat ripping him a new one.
Fans of your band aren't created, they're developed. If you stop assuming people want to leave whatever social media platform you're posting on just because you posted a link, and try to fucking talk to people now and then, you might actually find a fan out there willing to bring his entire extended family out to see you play live at a bar where no one else showed up. Music fans are fucking awesome, I should know, I'm one of them.
STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME CLICK YOUR CRAPLINKS, instead bullshit a bit muthafuckers. When was the last time you responded to someone you don't know, who has no idea who you are and might not even like the genre of music you're producing?
People are people, make a fucking friend you assfaced assface.
3. LIVE BONUS TRACKS?
Seriously, stop.
Stop giving away live versions of your songs. The only people who can pull this off are folk artists who sound like they're playing live anyway. Your rock/rap album has three live tracks on it? You're a piece of shit.
Your live show might be awesome live, but if you're reading this I CAN GAY-RUN-TEE you sound 1/10th as good on a recording of your live set than you actually do live. There is still no proper way to capture a live bar show and have it sound fucking amazing. DEAL WITH IT.
Stop giving away live versions of your shit, because they suck. Even if you don't, the live version sucks compared to the studio version because the effeminate southpaw coughing into his Beam & Coke isn't saying WOOOO every few seconds because he's loving your tunes bruh, but because he just coughed into his Beam & Coke bruh, and there's a gelatinous floater in there bro bro, and he needs to get the slightly overweight bartender lady's attention for some more Beam bro.
If you want to give away live versions of shit, make it optional, and don't make it so people get the shit automatically. Sure it might be free, but is it really worth giving away if you won't even listen to it?
Fuck your live bonus tracks.
4. Style Over Substance
I have no issue with a band with a logo. I DO have an issue with a band with a logo and one fucking song available. I also have an issue with a band with 469 professional photos on their facebook, and again, one fucking song available. There's something wrong with having a shitload of pictures of yourself out there for human consumption when there's nothing to go along with it. I don't become fans of bands just to look at them, you aren't masturbatory fodder for fuck's sake. I like bands because I like their music, there is no other motherfucking reason, unless Sasha Grey is in your band, then I guess you're masturbatory fodder for fuck's sake.
If you're selling tote bags and trivets and bobbleheads without a fucking grip of music available, you're a piece of shit and you're doing it wrong.
Sell me on your music and you'll probably sell me on that trivet muthafucker. I MEAN A GUY'S GOTTA HEAT (FRYING PANS).
There is also such a thing as not enough merch, so if you're touring and you have ONLY music to sell at your shows, you're also doing shit wrong and should realize people who aren't ready to invest in a new band's music LOVE fucking tshirts bro. Hell, I buy more tshirts than music. Band shirts get rocked non-stop until I get too fat, Tim gets too skinny, or the pits crust out.
Yes, you can send us your shirts and we will listen to your band twice.
5. Reverb Nation
Three words, one middle finger.
Fuck REVERB NATION.
Combining every potential individual web page a band could have, (videos and photos and widgets and feeds and concert calendars and music players and fan signs and pictures of people holding pictures of you holding bumper stickers of other bands AND THE LIST KEEPS GROWING) and smooshing the shit onto one page in a convoluted and confusing mish mash of information no one fucking cares about; Reverb Nation has a grip on the balls of bands who don't know any better and assume just because there's a column or a fucking place for it, you should fill up that fucking place with shit you might or might not have.
NO ONE WANTS TO WATCH YOUR TOUR VIDEO in a 200 x 175 pixel corner of a website with WAY TOO MUCH GOING ON. No one wants to see your slideshow bro! No one wants to host a widget, AND NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE Fuck A WIDGET IS OKAY BRO BRO?
Two things are necessary right the Fuck now: music and a way to communicate with you. If I have to spell it out for you completely, get a bandcamp.com site set up and update the email address muthafucker. DONE.
You need nothing else to develop your fanbase besides music people can love and a way to tell you that they love you.
Reverb Nation has swindled the majority of you assholes with no idea what you're doing into thinking all that shit is necessary. It isn't. Keeping it simple stupid is a powerful way of looking like you know what you're doing, and I will be the first to tell you it looks a hell of more professional to have awesome music than FECKING WIDGETS BRO.
Want to know what's necessary? I already told you, and it starts above this with "Two things are necessary...". So I'll sum up this entire fucking shit in a simple list after I remind you to SHOVE YOUR REVERB NATION PAGE UP YOUR fucking ASS.
So here is my succinct version of my rants above:
- Release more music, a little bit at a time. More is not better you fucking poodick.
- Make a friend, a fan even might come out of it. Even if it doesn't, a friend is probably more willing to retweet your shit than a fan who thinks you're a poodick.
- Live versions?!? SHOVE THEM UP YOUR POODICK.
- You should probably keep some of those photos to yourself. Just because they were taken at the "photo shoot" doesn't mean you have to publish them all Bruno. You are such a poodick.
- Reverb Nation is for bands who can't drive yet. If you have at least one person in your band that can drive, quit the Nation of Verb of Re, it makes you look like a poodick.
And if you guys want to submit music to a blog: read this.
And if you guys want to submit music to OUR blog, click Music Submissions above and fucking do it.
And if you guys want to send us tshirts, go head. We are all XL, except for Tom who is a medium.