Our Interview with Ceschi

Fake Four, Inc creator and all around bad-ass on the elliptical machine at the local vegetarian gym, Ceschi Ramos has garnered mucho successo over the past few years. Don't let his squishy demeanor fool you though, this guy puts in work like a drag queen tucks. How does a drag queen tuck? In a concentrated, efficient and accentuating the supple backside manner.

I look up to Ceschi like a child looks up to a circus performer. Ceschi is on the high wire and I'm eating popcorn waiting for his next move. He is talented in every sense of the word, and I am proud to have called him my pen pal for the past few weeks.

Here's hoping we can sustain the ups and downs of a long distance relationship like some other rappers cannot (ahem, Slug).

I LOVE YOU CESCHI! NEXT TOFURKEY BURGER IS ON YOU!

SYFFAL: Ceschi, I've been dodging reports coming out of Chicago that you and I have started a Creed cover band and we will in fact be opening for ourselves as a Spin Doctors cover band. Can you confirm/deny? I hear they call us the two princes...

Ceschi: I cannot validate any rumors - but it's true that the Spin Doctors had roots in New Haven, CT where I'm from... and we've both spent the last 5 years violently worshipping jesus, drinking protein shakes and imitating Eddie Vedder - soooooo...

SYFFAL: When is it okay to cry? Please answer this question for the following situations:

• Two & A Half Men is canceled - tears of joy
• Spanich Rice burns on bottom of pan - that's the most delicious part - no crying
• Your minions stage a protest on your territory, sparking civil unrest and a spike in avocado prices - the only legit tear worthy one here
• Barry Manilow admits to being Barbara Streisand - game changer - no tears
• P90x won't give you a refund cause you ate the entire 90 day program without chewing - there's no easy way to get super buff - i'll take the loss - no tears
• Your mom admits you were in fact born at the zoo - this could be an interesting song - no tears

SYFFAL: You're a pretty busy guy in the hip hops, how to you stay so fat?

Ceschi: Funny thing is I've also been vegetarian for like 11 years... so I basically maintain this physique through a process of regular animal fat injections that I do bi-weekly.

SYFFAL: You are changing the rules of the game. And by the game, I mean basic human physiology. Tubby.
If you were to collabo with one Irish American rapper with red facials hairs, who would it be and would you go by Ginger and the Goose?

Ceschi: I hope this isn't a reference to Everlast bruhh

SYFFAL: I love your penchant for rap/singing on the musics that you rap/sing on. Did you ever get punched in the throat for answering regular day in day out questions with a rap/singsing? For example, I ask you "Did you see the new David Duccovney autobiography was just released?" and then you rap/singsing "Noooooooooooo Joeeeeeeeeeeeeeel, I Diiiiiiiiiiidnaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" and then I would punch you because that is just the rudes.

Ceschi: I mainly just punch people a lot for asking X-Files cast related questions.

SYFFAL: YOU DISS SCULLY, YOU DISS YOURSELFED!
How many children have you fathered using only your golden pear shaped throat?

Ceschi: How many illegitimate kids did Ben Franklin have brah? Seek the truth OG.

SYFFAL: Fine. What does your pear taste likes?

Ceschi: I love pears - mine tastes a little sweet and a lot sour.

SYFFAL: Dick. I've been a huge fan of yours since I first started illegally downloading the music you makes. How awesome is the internet that we are now best friends after I stoled froms you?

Ceschi: I don't care - it's fine - I'm glad I could make maniacal fans like you via whatever torrent site you were using. Now you're a "journalist" -

SYFFAL: Dick. Don't you insults me.

Ceschi: - so you get free albums from everyone semi-legally. Everyone should just become a "journalist" or have a radio show if they feel any guilt about stealing music... it's a nice way around it.

SYFFAL: You cock smoking yan samwich. Eat a bowls of dicked ups.

If we were to get matching tattoos, what would you vote for as our badasstatt:

• Me & you riding a unicorn who's wearing a camo tankinki
• You & me battle dancing on one of Jupiter's rings
• You & me tickling Mugsy Bogues or Spud Webb, I haven't decided, in a field of sass - ahh those little old guys that'd be the best one!
• The two of us thumb wrestling huge M.U.S.C.L.E. men and because many did not have thumbs, they are strewn dead all over the floor

SYFFAL: People often come up to me and ask me what you're wearing, would you care to share with us what you are wearing my friend Ceschi?

Ceschi: I'm wearing a super tight charcoal gray Odd Future t-shirt (because I'm trying to relate to those wild and crazy "urban" skateboard kids like the rest of the white hipster industry folk) plus khaki cut offs with gold glitter slippers on at the momen.

SYFFAL: SASWAG! Sometimes I get really really frustrated when I sit down and I accidentally sit on a blanket or something and I try and lean to the right and pluck it out with my left hand, but then I discover that it is under my right cheek and then I have to actually stand the Fuck back up and then I want to kill peoples. ARRGH! I have it so rough. What do you have to say to the pussy ass muthafuckers that don't know true frustration like me? Pour some pity sugars on my Ceschi, the pitcher of pity is right there on the credenza or armoir, whichever is spelled correctly.

Ceschi: That pisses me off too man...I feel you...last night I tossed the remote somewhere in my sleep and had to get up and turn on the lights and flip the bed over and kick someone....I'm sorry - it's a frustrating feeling - you want a foot rub?! Bitch!

SYFFAL: What was the name of that song you did with that one producer guy where you said "It's like sixteen girls, licking chocolate from their fingertiiiips..."? I love that song. I just have no idea where the Fuck to find it cause when I googles that I get the porns.

Ceschi: Haha that's a song called Pray that I did with Factor - he's the mayor of Saskatoon, SK, Canada and makes dreams come true. I believe you will find and post it below my response here yes?

SYFFAL: Yes, chef. You have affiliations with a lots and lots of people in the music business. Can you list them here for me? I want to make fun of each of them individually.

Ceschi: hahahaha umm Ceschi?

SYFFAL: Those guys eat shit for breffast.

Ceschi: Fake Four

SYFFAL: I shit guys prettier than those turds.

Ceschi: Fake Four

SYFFAL: I have to shit right now, and I'd love to shit on those shit heads.

Ceschi: Fake Four

SYFFAL: Don't those guys embarrass you with all of their shit and shit talk? What shitballs.

SYFFAL speaking in place of Ceschi: Ceschi: Pitchfork

SYFFAL: Racists. They called my shit poop.

SYFFAL: How often do you have to pinch yourself when you realize that you're doing what you love for a living and the rest of us are three dick wiggles away from ending it all with a swift slit to the schwanz? Fuck you.

Ceschi: Well I'm generally spending my time trying to convince myself that I'm important so I don't jump off of a bridge.

SYFFAL: When you travel, how many assistants handle your snacks?

Ceschi: The Snackmaster would be that fool Jesus aka Chuey....DUH?!

SYFFAL: On that same token, your pubic hairs were recently featured on Diners, Dives & Drive In's. How do you plan on marketing these pubic hairs as healthy alternatives to cheetos, which we have recently discovered are actually your eyebrows? With cheetos for eyebrows, you further push the boundaries of how delicious one man can be in one delicious body made of delicious.

Ceschi: It's going to be a tough campaign - but I'm pretty sure we can convince Americans that anything is good for their health and tastes delicious and makes them look better and be cooler - it's just going to cost a lot of money.

SYFFAL: Tell the people how best of friends we are.

Ceschi: I love this obsessive maniac Joel Frieders - but seriously tell him to stay away from my shows he's fucking frightening.

SYFFAL: When we spend the night at each others houses, our moms both know our favorite foods. Your mom cooks me a lofty pancetta for me, knowing my appreciation for a light drizzle of the vinegars. And my mom cooks for you 76 pancakes made with animal lard. What does this say about my mother? WHAT THE Fuck DID YOU JUST SAY ABOUT MY MOTHER.

Ceschi: My mom would definitely cook you pancetta drizzled with a light balsamic reduction - no question - your mom is just a rude.

SYFFAL: I've become immune to most insults because they lack creativity. What is your favorite insult? Can you try it out on me?

Ceschi: I hope your drunken homeless father moves back in with your family, takes a up a bunch of space with his filthy homeless man piss and shit jars, beats your mother, and rapes you viciously again Joel.

SYFFAL: Oh yeah? You are a fucking cooze kneed sasquatch spending quality time at home alone with his cockflower garden where you shed skin for seasonings on your tortilla crusted taint breasts that you just recently sold the rights to at Target, Super Target, Vons and some other grocery store chain that exists in some shit for shit location like Minnesota.

Ceschi: sounds good

SYFFAL: How bad ass is our site here? On a scale of 5 to 8 with 5 being the underside of an underboob that you see when you are below a bewb that is poking out fresh and moist and delicious underbewb and 8 being the imaginary cover version of They Reminisce Over You by Ricky Martin post-closet coming out party...

Ceschi: I like your site, it looks very classy, but is just riddled with filth and disease - like a well kept asian massage parlor.

SYFFAL: Can we fer serious remain the bestest friends ever?

Ceschi: sure - as long as you stay 200 ft away from me at all times

SYFFAL: Prove how we can remain.

Ceschi: I pinky swear (with my 4 fingered pinkyless hand)

SYFFAL: Tell the fine people what you have coming out, where you are touring, whattheFuckever, because I really don't care because it doesn't have to do with us being besties.

Ceschi: I have a brand new 10" out now on Equinox Records - it's pretty and red. In fact, here is the delicious internet link for it Joel: CircleIntoSquareMarket.awesomes.

I'm touring all over the place....Europe with Dark Time Sunshine in May, some runs with Louis Logic over the summer... trying to stay alive man. Fan me on facebook, twitter - etc etc - let's bring fat smart rappers back into style - a la Heavy D, etc

SYFFAL: I LOVE YOU LIKE A GUY LOVES A GUY HE LOVES CESCHI!