SYFFAL receives a shitload of music on a daily basis.
That isn't us bragging, it's just the nature of the yeast bro.
What we've done over the past three years is try to insert some sense of fucking logic into the decisions you fuckers make when it comes to getting your name out there for blogs that are a bigtittytruckload more important than us coozewafers. We keep throwing you assdicks bones, but some of you shitswallowers haven't heard the fucking news bro.
Here is a quick rundown on some previously potentially positive position papers we have given you to make you less of a fucking hosebeast and more of a, say, band we actually fucking listen to:
- We crafted a profane and verbally abusive missive on the proper way to submit music to blogs.
- We told you what things you were doing to market yourself on the internet that made us want to pee on your Ed Hardy shirt bro.
- We even taught you how to tag your fucking music like a big boy bro bro.
But if you haven't read those fucking articles, not only are you probably named Tyler or Pat or have a number in your name like 5hane, but you look like a dick and you are going to annoy the blogs/magazines/PR companies you submit to bro. Plains and dimples.
My one big suggestion over the course of those articles is to get your band a mother fucking Bandcamp page.
WHY DUDE? I HAVE SOUNDCLOUD, IT'S THE SAME GOD DAMN THING.
No it isn't bro.
Bandcamp has everything you need to start making money and getting heard, you're just too much of a poopiebutt to realize it.
Here is why I suggest you get a Bandcamp instead of relying on your Soundcloud page just because you have like three dozen hearts bro, and you can't replace love bro, love is temporary bro and your clinging bro. CLINGING BRO:
1.) Bandcamp forces you to tag your music properly, and delivers, in any fucking format, the music that is successfully tagged. INCLUDING ARTWORK.
I don't know why bands HATE putting their name on their work, but it's fucking annoying. Out of the hundred or so submissions we get a week, about 20% still haven't figured out how to drive their computers enough to tag their fucking songs. Now SYFFAL is a bunch of assholes who have been in your seat, throwing untitled mp3s to the masses, so we tend to tell you when your music isn't tagged. But other blogs don't care bro, they just delete your shit, regardless of whether they love it or not.
If you don't have a bandcamp, and we wrote you back saying TAG YO SHAT BRO, don't get offensive or offer up fucking excuses, just fix it for the next person you send that shit to. THEY MIGHT MAKE YOU MONEY OR GET YOU GIGS BRO. We don't make any money on this shit, we just get loads and loads and loads and loads of untagged fucking music bro.
Soundcloud lets anyone upload anything in any format, which is nice for the musician, but the listener? WHO THE FUCK WANTS A 888MB .aiff file bro? WHAT THE FUCK IS AN AIFF FILE AND WHY IS IT THE SIZE OF A FEATURE LENGTH FILM BRO? When people submit music to us, I always ask for a download so I can listen where I listen and not have to be sitting at a computer. People then say "I just made that track downloadable, let me know when you grabbed it so I can change it back bro."
So then I go merrily along to the soundcloud page and refresh that shit and click download on five or twelve tracks, and whoopsidaisies bro, each fucking track is a 87MB wav file bro? I DIDN'T ASK FOR ALL THIS WEIGHT BRO.
LOOK AT ALL THE KB I HAVE!
2.) Bandcamp provides embeddable players/widgets/sharing optionz.
Ain't nothing more badass than having the ability to grab code of a certain size and width and have it fit in anywhere. Customizable player and text colors make it so your shit can blend in with your dark and ambient stylez bro, so don't worry about that default look bro, you can be dark bro. You already are dark bro, that's why you're so popular with the druidz bro.
Of course you can share to Tweetzer and Faceboogs too bro.
Soundcloud has the options available to embed custom sizes and shit too bro, BUT THEY LET YOU PIN SHIT TO PINTEREST BRO. WHY DID I EVEN WRITE THIS BRO? IT'S PINTEREST OR NOTHING!
MEET ME OVER AT PINTEREST BRO!
I'm kidding, I only go there to repin food and craft ideas for around the summer months, or to see what would go best with a nifty idear I had for my weapon room bro.
3.) Bandcamp pages are designable, and a good looking one can make you look like you have your shit together instead of being a sloppy/untalented with the eyes asshole.
I'm of the school of thought that says if you want something done right, hire a stranger. But even you can figure out how to design your own fucking bandcamp page bro. EVEN YOU. But get an outside opinion on your choice of colors because I can tell you now that bright yellow on a white background doesn't make shit easy on those assholes who can only read things that are legible bro.
Soundcloud has options similar to this shit too bro, it's just I've had more essperiences with bandcamp and continue to support them sexually, even though they never return the favor sexually. Sexually speaking of course.
4.) Bandcamp allows you to give out download codes for blogs/press/friends if you aren't in the mood to give away your music for free.
Nothing is more annoying than receiving an email from a band you've never heard of and they include their bandcamp link, but nothing is for sale, nothing is free, it's just fucking streaming bro. If SYFFAL streamed every fucking band's music that submitted, we'd never stand up from the fucking computer bro. Make it easy on the blogs you send shit to, just include a bandcamp code.
Not only can you send a code and include whatever specific shit you wanted that blog to download, you can actually check and see if anyone even used your code. HOW USEFUL IS IT TO KNOW BRO?
Damn useful. Why bother a blog who has obviously downloaded your music? If they feel it, they'll jack you off. If they don't feel it and haven't written about it, well, don't ask for feedback if you're afraid of having your dick crawl inside yourself and scratch your conscience. We don't write negative reviews, we just listen to something else. Don't expect us to give you a critique just because you submitted something bro. If you're serious about getting our opinion, sweeten the deal, tell us Del is fucking adorbz and then create a short rap song about him or something bro.
Soundcloud lets you create private links and shit too.
5.) Details about who is listening to what bro!
Bandcamp can give you a few ideas of how many people show up to your bandcamp page from where, what they're listening to, and if they're buying anything. These details are only important to people who don't want to remain unknownz, so if you're happy at the coffee shop and complaing about no one listening to your band, don't trip on these shits bro bro.
Soundcloud gives you clicks and plays and people can comment on certain parts of songs, which is fucking dope as shit too bro.
6.) Money bro.
Bandcamp lets you slang your shit for a predetermined price, or a pay what you want sort of shits bro. There is nothing sweeter than putting out an email or facebook post and offering a new single for sale for $0.25 USD and having 9 people buy that shit in the first hour bro. BE THAT BRO, BRO.
There is also nothing cooler than having an album for sale for $9.99 USD for like a year with less than 100 sales, and then to have a one day freebie and see that number quadruple.
PLAY WITH WHAT PEOPLE PAY BRO BRO.
Money lets you make more music dude. Maybe even make and sell shirts on that shit? Slang vinyl? Create a holiday mix of your favorite songs you've made and make a new album cover and sell that shit all over again bro. WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO FACKING SAY BOO?
BRO, Bandcamp can be awesome bro. Why am I selling this to you? If you don't get the awesome, don't expect the awesome bro.
None of this means that I hate Soundcloud or anything, but it serves different purposes.
Here is my shortlist of Where Soundcloud is the tits:
- Instant uploads from anywhere is pretty tits.
- Upload any format bro, even paperback books bro. Tits.
- Coded to get your music onto HYPEM.com if/when published by another blog, like ours.
- It's social media-ish bro. Connect with other musicians and shit bro.
- The comment on a specific part of a song shit is badass tits bro.
Do what you want music world, but if you want to pick just one? Pick bandcamp. If you have the time and an email address and fingers, get both, but use that bandcamp shit as your penis and the soundcloud shit as your loveable tits.
Love,
Dad