One Song

Wait for it. Listen.  Shut the fuck up and listen you dick.  This is The Killers into a bunch of 30 Seconds to Mars crowd chants leading into some motherfucking Kings of Leon vocals and ALL I WANNA DO IS PLAY THESE AIR DRUMS LIKE IT'S MY ONLY FUCKING JOB! AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Whoever the fuck Gang of Youths are, they've shown the rest of my co-workers my sweat drenched armpits because I ain't putting these fucking hands down until I pass the fuck out. "Strange Diseases" is one fucking hell of an introduction to a sound that sounds like all of my favorite aspects of my favorite current bands.  Jesus balls on the back of a baby blue miata I don't want this song to fucking end. 

So Thom Byles is now Hanging Valleys. I don't fucking care. I'll call the dude Cupcake if he asked me to. Either way, DUDE DROPPED A NEW SINGLE AND I'M ALL THE FUCK OVER IT.  "Endless Wave" builds and breaks like an endless, um, wave. (DAMNIT!) That fucking galloping pick out, with the thumb thumping steady, and the reverb on the accompanying guitar make the entire song a lullaby that doesn't just put me at ease, it makes me want to walk into oncoming traffic and flip cars as they try and pass by.  When the electric guitar finally chimes in I'm already a puddle on the fucking floor, writhing in beautiful syncopation and patience.  I'll go head and say it, just so you can acknowledge it and move the fuck on, but Hanging Valleys...

Audego always makes me feel like I'm walking through a Bjork video, but I don't have jewels on my eyelids and shit. The sugar snap crackle of their beats is always beautifully adorned with perfect vocals and an atmosphere that's both soothing and sexually charged. Audego's eroticism is almost overlooked because of how fucking smooth their shit sounds when layered on top of itself, but holy fucking herky jerky pop lockin' deliciousness, they keep dropping sick singles. "Motions" is yet another example of their fluid motherfucking audible geometry. If I had to pick one of my favorite throats in music today, it'd go to Audego hands down. That whispered rasp that's spmehow the furthest thing from cliche is so fucking gorgeous I'd almost...

Trails and Ways are so fucking WEIRD. It's like it's an amazing scented afterbath lotion, but it's also got eyeballs and teeth. Just when you get comfortable and start feelins all up on yourselves, shit gets creepy. It's like sitting down to masturbate and getting about 15 minutes in before you realize there's a guitar player standing in front of you and he's MELTING YOUR FACE OFF, yet casually allowing you to continue your quest towards climax (quimax). "My Things" sounds like something I'd put on the hifi, walk away from, begin cleaning, and then realize I'm in the mood for self-lovin', so I'd take MANtters into my own hand and all of a sudden, THERE'S THAT DUDE PLAYING GUITAR RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE JERKCHAIR! WHAT THE FUCK TRAILS AND WAYS, HOW...

This is a Zavala from Dark Time Sunshine and Terra Lopez from Sister Crayon. What the fuck.  The fact that Zavala can throw down on a beat that reminds me of the jeans I used to wear to raves in high school while Terra Lopez simultaneously makes me wish I'd heard her voice over a beat like this when I was in high school, is just fucking offensive. Who the fuck do these people think they are? The beat is fucking disgusting. The fucking vocal is disgusting. I want to fucking stab someone in the throat with a chocolate longjohn and then spend the rest of the day licking the horror off my fingers. Zavala making dance tracks is still freaking me out. Not because he shouldn't...

Local Natives have yet to drop something I don't love almost instantly.  I fucking adore how every song is another excuse to close my eyes and tip my head back and tribally swat at the imaginary drums laid out in front of me. "Past Lives" builds on their already fluffed pillowy dreamz of rock, but with an almost hypnotic gallping rim shot that makes it almost feel fucking BEACHY bro.  How the fuck do these shitballs keep making me lose control of my extremeties? That snare has me annoying everyone in the office because ain't no fucking way I'm done slap-slapping my desk top as I roll through the ninth listen in a row. "Past Lives" is fucking Local Natives at their fucking best. DAMN. 

THERE'S NEW PRINT OUT!??!?! EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! There is no other voice in hip hop that gives me the giddy shits like Blueprint's. Dude's tone is unfuckwitable. Dude's succinct story telling abilities are on par with a rap Dr. Seuss. Regardless of the topic, whether social injustice or in your face message delivery, Blueprint finds a way to sound fucking cooler and cooler with every realease. "Graffiti Writer" is another example of a dude who just can't stop dropping advances in his own sound. Without a snare or an apex or a fucking climax, "Graffiti Writer" is only a minute and a half of a story, but you fucking get it. The tension, the apprehsion, the suspicion, the tasteful effect on the vocal, the addition of peripheral snickers and...

I'm an instrumental music fiend. Every chance I get, I flip off rappers and singers alike, and hoard ALL the instruments. Fuck rappers. Fuck singers. Fuck yes.  Koresma dropping "Bridges" right when the weather is starting to turn tasty is a sign that I have every right to sit half-intoxicated in my drawls on my back porch and watch the wind whip the weeds to and fro. The cool crisp beat is tits on its own, but that fucking guitar just meandering through a cup of coffee is fucking perrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrf. I liken Koresma drops to Bonobo drops in that it doesn't necessarily have to break the mold previously hardened by the artist's last album release, it just has to make me feel comf as fuck, like the aforementioned last release....

Yes, that guy throwing a mini-tantrum during a city council meeting is me. Yes, I sound like a little bitch. Yes, I'm angry about the fact that my neighborhood still doesn't have roads, and neighborhoods all around me, with even smaller numbers of completed homes built, have brand new smooth ass roads and I'm still paying taxes on everyone else's infrastructure and mine is being held up in a court battle with no end in sight. I'm completely depressed about the fact that I got into this shit to do something and I can't do ANYTHING to fix the shit besides let other people in on my frustration. So, welcome to my bullshit.  Yes, today's WORLD PREMIERE artist Leitbur sensed my frustration over the last week's meeting. And because he is a goddamn sweetheart, he took the audio...

Hello, this is Tom. No. Not Joel. Yeah, I know Magic City Hippies is Joel's band, but I'm feeling this track.  AND I just need to tell you that 'HUSH' is like sex with too much lube...you are just sliding all over the place and putting elbows where they don't belong. AND Joel says: 'HUSH' feels like the aroused feeling in your stomach where you'll go to any lengths to create a sexual connection with your lover. So far, in fact, you're not even noticing you're wearing a sports bar to work, on top of your sport coat. I fucking love hungover horny shit like this, it makes me feel less perverted. And that makes me a huuuuuuge pervert. Now it's your turn. Go listen.