Soundcloud

Vampires feed at night. So do pirates. And thanks god LA Cafe delivers 24 hours because so does the rap god, AsimOff. Proprietary partner in the place I party and pick brains at, Shambhala Studios, AsimOff can be found sitting comfortably at the head of the table, eating, smoking, playing FIFA while the bass humming from the afterhours party raging beneath him causes the building to rattle like Northridge circa 1994.  It's in this setting, adjacent to a gorgeous, professional, and barely one year old recording studio with its rich LA punk rock history, that AsimOff creates. With a video on the way, and track after track settling down on his Soundcloud, Mr. Off is way...

I am not currently in the shower. But I could be. This fucking track "Krusht" from Howls feels like I'm in the shower bro. Imagine dat tap water (now with 0.9ng/L or more of the finest fluoride!) slo-mo cascading down my lovely lady lumps and down the insides of my ever-taut quads, passed the bacon wrapped right leg of mine, and pooling around my fancy feast feets, the only scent in the air is the humidity, and of course the cocoa butter manwash I wash my entire man with. I love how something can immediately make me feel moist like a brownie almost instantly. "Krusht" might hit you differently, but either way, I understand why you're walking in slo-mo, because I'm doing it too. We don't have to share why bro, the knowing and slightly erotic nod betwixt...

I won't bullshit  a motherfucker, I love me some DOLLS. Every song she sings sounds like something I'd only hear in an underground sex club where everyone's flogging everyone else and everyone drinks with their pinkies extended while wearing bedazzled blindfolds and NASCAR themed leather chaps. I can almost taste the vibe this woman's splaying out in front of me and I'm not totally sure she's fucking with me because she just spelled my name using only individually plucked chest hairs from my own chest bro. The newest track in the DOLLS sexthology is "JUST STOP", and if my mastubatory assumptions are correct, she's a vampire, and she's tempting me, and she's not really connecting with me on a loin-level like I'm assuming.  SHE WANTS MY BLOOD BRO....

I love knowing I'm going to love a song even before the vocal comes in. All I was crossing was my fingers, because if the vocals sucked I was going to demand an instrumental copy of this for sensual massages after I get out of my youth group meeting. Doombird, who from what I can gather from the press release is composed of members of Tycho and Album Leaf among others, sounds like a chill balls version of Duran Duran meets Aha meets fucking Caribou, and I'm smitten. Music is supposed to sound this easy to love. Whenever this band of assholes drops an album, be certain it'll be better than you expected and better than you wanted it to be, which means the rest of your music collection is about to get ignored for awhile bros.  DO NOT MAKE THE SAD FACE. This could be 2015's...

Yesterday after I shared 'Rotten Human' with Tim and Joel for some reason we ended up talking about how shitty people can be. All people. Even you and me.  With all the shit going on in the world today, whether it be the Syrian refugees, Kim Davis, Violence, Greed, Theft, Donald Trump's hair, etc,. sometimes it's hard not to be pessimistic toward humanity. Joel summarized the shit with a good point: humantiy's biggest hurdle is fucking humanity.  Maybe the first step in making the world a better place is for all of us to look in the mirror and judge our own actions. It's human nature to have selfish tendencies but only you control that degree to how selfish you actually are. OR how much of a dick you can be. OR how much more you can give to others, whether it be support monetarily,...

Who the fuck is Conner Youngblood and why am I braiding my chesthair seductively while standing up through an open moon roof while my driver drives me down a country lane littered with husks of corn and the occasional kernel?  Is it harvest already? Why the fuck is something as seductive as "Stockholm" available in the first place? I can't be this sultry and swoony in public bro! When the harp strangs got all fingered on either side of my face, I thought my hippie sister's cell phone was ringing or some shit, but it wasn't that, it was all Conner Youngblood being all Conner Youngblood. What a dick. Your patience and desire to see me topless is as fucking offensive as the horse you rode in on being named "Glue". Someone slap this...

How come whenever I listen to Juan Deuce my shoulders push towards one another with my elbows and palms straight out towards my sides and I feel the need to wear longer gym socks? Is it the fact that he's my favorite Albanian circledancer? Is it the fact that he's got J57 on the track and my FAVORITE three foot tall (soaking wet) DJ with the name Mekalek making everything so hip hops?  If Juan Deuce, J57 and Mekalek came out with their own houswares line there would be microphone daggers scooping up melted wax from a bowl made of vinyl and spinning at 33bpm in the form of a wallpaper pattern on the walls of their kitschy kitchen bro. I fucking love how these dudes sweat their asses off...

Ah fuck. This is fucking smooth balls.  While I wasn't sure if I was down with Astronauts, etc., I can now properly slap myself with the balls I just called smooth and start the relationship between their fingies and my side face holes (ears bro) over. Holy fucking guitar work. I'd like to formally announce that myself and "Shake It Loose" are going steady. I've already sketched the name into my trapper keeper, "Shake It Loose" has already handed over the letterman's jacket and the last pair of drawls it wore at track practice. This fucking song sounds like the soundtrack to a Moonlighting episode, but instead of lawyers and Bruce Willis, it's all sex between doctors in the doctor's lounge and un-reimbursible rectal exams on the lunch table. I WANT ALL...

I have no idea what the fuck is happening around me but I'm simultaneously confused, aroused, and petrified.  Volkova Sisters are a SYFFAL submission that juuuuuuust rolled in this morning and I accidentally opened the link and the soundcloud started playing. I walked away from my desk to check the printer as the song somehow materialized, and here I am bent backwards over my desk chair doing the dance from Thriller while my shirt takes itself off via gravity bro. I'm not just hypnotized, I'm erotically hypnotized you fetishy, leather-clad bastards. Wherever the fuck Volkova Sisters are from, it sounds Eastern European, and like they've seen some shit. While the song suggests I should get to fondling myself, the mood reminds me that there's probably land...

Altered Tapes just fingerbanged Jamie xx's "Loud Places" in a way I didn't think imaginable. While the track was already a loose shouldered "I'M NOT USING MY EYES ANYWAY" jam for me, I never considered hitting it this hard. I mean, the chorus on the original gives my goose pimples goose pimples, but here, I have goose pimples with huge erections and they're playing swords all over my fucking lumpy Luxembourgian body bros. IT'S LIKE I'M ON DRUGS, but drugs that only a self-respecting beacon of the people's loins could ingest.  Maker and Trew are fucking assholes for this. I had JUST gotten over my addiction to this album.  So what are we working with on this remake? Stuttered house shoe'd house moves, horns one...